A note to birthmothers and birthfathers everywhere

**I want to state that when writing this I was referring to adult adoptees. I have come back and added this because I didn't want to get flamed or get hate mail from people regarding birth families coming after their young children and fighting adoptive families for rights. This entry is ONLY referring to searches for people 18 and over.**

My husband and I are both adopted. Neither of us have found our birthparents though we have searched. I’m sure if we dedicated more time to it we might find out something. But this entry is not about our search. This is actually something I’ve always wanted to say to birthparents.
To any birth family member…you have the right to search. For some reason women go to their death beds never being able to tell anyone about having put a child up for adoption. They suffer alone and in silence. They have been told they don’t have the right to search. Leave well enough alone. Let me tell you from an adoptees point of view. We WANT you to search for us. Okay not all adoptees want this but a whole lot of them. We want to know about you. We want to see a picture of you. We want you to know we forgive you. Not that you need to be forgiven but so many birthmothers and fathers I have heard from , say they are so ashamed of the situation and they hope their birthchild could forgive them. Well, I forgive you. Not that that would make any difference in your life. Look, things happen in life. No matter what your situation was or is you can always be freed from it with the truth. We all exist. Help us find you.
When my husband and I had our child we both sat in awe. This was the first time either of us had seen anyone that looked like us. It was an amazing thing to behold and I’m sure people think it strange when we focus on this like the dimples in a knee or the odd shaped eyebrow that link a child to their family. You see, we have NEVER seen any resemblance to anyone. For me, I’d really love to see a picture of anyone in my birthfamily. Somebody needs to fess up to why I’ve got this weird nose, big shoulders and linebacker thighs attached to some serious birthing hips. Also, where did my strange sense of humor come from? Did someone in my family have a chatty streak a mile long? And what about these big honkin feet? Oh well you get the picture. Anyhow these are the simple questions that can be answered by either a meeting with a birth parent or family member.
The truth is, as we get older we have less and less of a chance to find these people. I’ve known birthparents who find out their child died in their 20’s. Adoptees who wish they had started their search earlier because their birthparent’s are now deceased.
My whole point here is to tell the birthmothers and birthfathers and families of these people that you can search. You have the right to search. Do not be ashamed. We(adoptees) are out here looking and searching for any bit of info. We can grasp. There are so many places on the internet to search. There are State registries that you can sign up with in the state where the adoption was finalized. There are wonderful "angels" in search groups that can and often do in depth searching for free.
A lot of the information that birthmothers and adoptive families are given at the time of adoption just isn’t correct. My adoptive sister’s birthmother was told that our adoptive parents lived in Dallas and were Baptist. So when my sisters birthmother started her search she was looking in all the wrong places. They only found each other through the state registry. So don’t think that we have the information we need.
The agency I was adopted through burned all records before turning them over to the state. The only thing the state has on me is a birthmother’s name. I have no idea what that name is and have not decided if I want to petition the courts to get my adoption records opened. Where I live, you petition the court and they will only let a mediator look at the records. Then that mediator will try to make contact with your birthfamily to see if they want to meet. YIKES! I don’t want some stranger making the first contact. What if she has no tact. What if she catches them at a bad time. So, there in lies the conundrum that being an adoptee is all about. If more birth parents would register…we’d be able to find each other more easily.
Whew that was a long-winded rant.
In summary…..Please register somewhere. If you are the mother or family member of someone that gave a child up for adoption…you also can register. If you know someone who has placed a child for adoption, support them if they want to search. There should be no shame in this process. I don’t think any of us want to hurt any one. We don’t want to disrupt lives. We just want to know a little more about ourselves.