Ya ever have one of those moments where you realize you aren’t all that you think you are? Lord knows I am one of those low self-esteem girls and I never thought I was all that, BUT I’m even LESS of all that.
While sharing my blog with some people who really love me a lot and made sure that I knew it, it dawned on me that I really suck at being a friend to other people.
I gotta say it hurts like hell for me to realize this because I used to be a great friend. I was there no matter what. You needed something at 2 a.m. baby I’d be there in an instant. I’d listen for hours on end to friends sharing their thoughts, hopes and sorrows and I enjoyed it! I was REALLY interested in helping. It isn’t that I’m not interested now... it’s that I don’t allow myself to get close enough to anyone. For instance…I have this person I consider a friend. I’d do anything for her if she asked me to. But I hardly know her. I mean, I know her…but I don’t really know much about her as a person. Recently I’ve read about her on her blog and WOW she’s a cool chick. I know she is a great mother and a fantastic wife and a devoted daughter. She has done everything in the world for me. I’ve done nothing for her. I’ve never babysat her kids, listened to her cry about things, found out her inner most secrets, hell I’ve never even had a good old fashioned giggle and snort session with her. What the hell kind of friend am I? I’ve actually never shared much with her either. She knows the surface stuff. I think I’ve cried on her shoulder a couple of times. As some of you know, I’m one of those deep people. No, no, no, not deep intellectually but deep as in deep feelings for my fellow man. I miss having friends call and talk to me for no reason other than to just shoot the shit. I miss ranting on about my life and listening to them rant about theirs. I miss having my life in order enough to say…”Hey bring the kids, come over and let’s just screw off all day.” I just had an “ah-ha” moment. If I’m not comfortable enough to let them into my home then how can I REALLY let them into my life? My house is a pit and actually seeing it reminds me of the chaos I let happen around me. That’s why I’m working on getting this place together. I need to bring people back INTO my life and home.
Okay back to talking about my friend I just went off on a rant there…
I’ve really never asked her any deep things about her life. Makes me feel really bad.
Maybe what’s happening to me is that now that I’m finally coming back out of my shell, I’m realizing what I’ve been missing. I LOVE HAVING FRIENDS! Good close friends that I would do anything for and that can understand how messed up my life can be and still like me.
My on-line friends have been like that to me. I just haven’t given anyone else much of a chance.
I don’t even know how to end this. Sheesh I hate it when I was working on a total thought process and then it just goes away.
Thank you for being a friend…
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2 comments:
Hey rantingmama! I have been really enjoying your posts. Keep it up. In fact, you have spurred me on to try my hand at this blogging stuff as a means of stress relief (I have 5 kids and one on the way) although I'm not going to be nearly as funny or interesting as you but then maybe no one will read me anyway so what have I got to lose right?
Thank you so much for your support. This is very cathartic for me. I'd love to read your blog when you start. Just let me know how to find you.
AND how in the heck can you NOT be interesting with 5 children? My goodness girl....start writing!
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