The Empty Wallet

Who let the cat out?

2009-08-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

My Dad is getting better everyday. So far the one little Effexor I took Wed night is holding it's own but I can sense there will be more withdrawal symptoms coming.
One drawback of being so frazzled is being a tad forgetful.
I have some foster kitties that have not all been fixed yet. I have kept the male in another room than the females. I'll bring him in to visit and play when I'm supervising. I brought him in this morning and the phone rang. I had to step outside to get a signal and I LEFT HIM IN WITH THE GIRLS for 20 minutes. I know that at least two of the females were ending a heat cycle. Let's hope to God he didn't get to anyone. I ran around feeling all their necks for saliva. They all looked like he hadn't grabbed them by the neck or back or anything else before mounting.
I am SO not allowed to take bring him in the room anymore until he is fixed. Hopefully next week. I had to cancel last weeks appt.
Okay I'm back off to the hospital. Keep the good thoughts and prayers coming. It's working!

not really day 5

2009-08-20T23:03:00.000-07:00

So after my whole thing with my Dad and my mini meltdown anxiety attack, crap........I rooted around and found one more Effexor. I took it last night after vomiting from stress and feeling so dizzy I thought I'd fall over. I know this too shall pass but I just couldn't take it last night.
Today I met my brother at my Dad's house and we managed to get him to agree to go see a doctor. Glad he wanted to go because after he told me he had not urinated in 3 days, I thought I was going to have to get all bossy on him and that never works well.
So after quite a few hours in non-emegency care he has been admittedt to St. Luke's hospital. I can not tell you how much relief I feel. Yes there is a lot to do with working, and taking care of his house and going to the hospital and getting my daughter ready for her first day of school on Monday but honestly I feel I can breathe again. YES!
I have no idea if my Dad will be getting better but at least he is getting the care he needs.
So we're back to going through withdrawals but I can handle it now. When you are only putting 32.5 mg of Effexor XR in your system every 4 days then 5 days may not be such a stretch eh?

Picked a bad day to.....

2009-08-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

Today reminds me of the movie Airplane. I picked a bad day to quit doing(drug of your choice here).
For me, "I picked a bad day to be having withdrawals from my anti-depressants."
Why you ask? And of course, I heard you asking....
Near the end of the evening I got a call from my Dad. He sounds like hell and asked me to bring him a bowl of soup from Luby's. It seems he has been sick for almost a week. My Dad is 86, hates doctors and is as stubborn as a mule. Turns out he has had diarhea for a week and has not been eating much. Yes this can be dangerous I know.

Here is where I wish I had my meds in me:
In 1994 my Mother had a cold, possibly the flu. She was a very healthy 75 year old lady. She had been to the Dr. and it turned out she was getting a urinary tract infection too. So, I went by with her medication so she could stay home and rest.
She was in bed and feeling vey crappy. I made her some soup and as she got up to come to the kitchen, she collapsed. That was it. She died that instant. I did CPR, and it kept her "going" until she died again at the hospital.
So, that being said, Imagine my horror as my Dad called to tell me he would like me to bring him some soup. Now I have to walk into the house where my Mother died, walk down the same hall and bring my ailing father some soup.
It was everything in my power to walk in the door of that house.
I made it through though. My Dad looks bad. He will not go to a Doctor. I told him I would come back in the morning and bring more food.
I wish I could tell you that I think he'll be better a bit tomorrow but I worry that he may not be better at all and may actually be on his last breath.
So, tomorrow I will try to get my self together again and walk into the house without showing my fear, anxiety and great sadness. None of that is very easy when coming off your meds.
DAMN I need some cake.

4 days and counting

2009-08-19T15:51:00.000-07:00

No Alice, you world did not just get all sparkley.....tis another fun effect of the meds leaving your system. No reason not to embrace it though.

Things are going to be different around here

2009-08-19T15:35:00.000-07:00

Hi folks! It's been almost 2 years and now I decide to write again?
I may pop on from time to time to throw a weird thing out there or two.
I'm still living the life of a "almost poor enough to get help but nooooot poor enough".
I'm the American dream of slipping through the cracks. Husband has insurance(thank God) but we can't get H and I on it or it will take his entire pay check. I'm barely working but trying to pick up more jobs every day. I have a car now and so does the husband. Neither one has a/c. Can you say HOT AS HELL when it's 102 out and you are stuck in traffic? Hey but at least we have cars right? Both cars are older than the hills and if we were able to to make a car payment PLUS full coverage insurance we could have easily fit the Cash for Clunkers thing. That's another one of those slip through the cracks things. Pretty sure we were not thought about when they dreamed up that little program.
Another little exciting event is this:
I've been taking anti depressants for almost 9 years. When I went on them, I was unemployed as was my husband so I was able to get on the county program. Even as we started making a bit of money, I was able to stay in the program but pay a little.
Once we started doing better financially, my eligibility was dropped like a hot potato. What does this mean? It means that for the last few months I have been having to wean myself off of my anti-depressants. It will take at the very least 4-6 weeks to get back in the system since I do not have a steady job anymore.
So folks, while I go through the weird withdrawals please don't mind the typos and strange utterances from beyond.
Tis only me.

It Lives

2007-12-06T17:13:00.000-08:00

Hiya everyone! I just wanted to let everyone know I am alive! I know it has been a while and the last time I wrote I was all bummed and crap......
Let's see..I have about 5 minutes to write this because I still do not have Internet at home and I have too come to the local library to use the internet
BIG HONKIN HINT...if you want to give me big time prezzie...I could use a laptop with wireless capabilities so I can just hit the hot spots around town to use the thing. Still no phone service at home but I have a cell so iffin you want to reach me..and you know you do....just throw me an e-mail an when I get it, I'll send you my new cell number.
OKAY now an update. Dear husband is still doing well bu tr his meds run almost 400 a month. Hey could be worse.
Daughter has the attitude from hell but she is still the nuttiest kid I know and will still cuddle up with her mom on occasion.
I'm still working and loving my job. Wish I had a damn car though. I'm renting one this week because the last one I was going to buy fell through. Hard to find a $1000 car that has a good transmission and can get at least 20 mpg. I need to have a talk with Dave Ramsey about that "driving a beater" thing.
My husband is still working as well....Is that freaking unbelievable or what! We have both been employed since April!!!
We are catching up slowly but surely on the debt thing. Biggest issue is trying to catch up on the mortgage right now. Other than that we have water, electricity and gas!!!YES!!!!
Oh and another upside since the last time we spoke. My dog's issue is better. I found a dog and kept it in my backyard while trying to find it's owner...well he lives with us now. My dog gets along with him pretty well and they hang outside during the day with no problems! On bad weather days they hang out in the utility room together. It has been a Godsend...uh but the new dog eats like a friggin horse.
Anyhow...I have ideas on keeping this thing current but it will have to be after the holidays. I work like a dog during the holidays but I like it and I get paid.
Damn I'm lucky!
I gotta go the library chases folks like me off around this time.
Drop me a note guys..oh and the little elf that dropped something in my bucket.....I LOVE YOU!!

Good Day …Bad Day…geez

2007-07-02T21:15:00.000-07:00

I’ve been meaning to write an update but this isn’t it. It’s been a friggin roller coaster ride the past few weeks. We did get back into our home, which means the power is back on. Oh and we also have running water now. WOOHOO. For the last couple of weeks though, I was under the impression that we had no hot water. Why would I think that? Oh I don’t know…could it have been the damn notice on the front door that said they cut my gas off??? So I’ve been taking fairly cold showers and stuff which hasn’t been that bad considering the water that comes out of the tap is warm from the heat of the day. Ah but that doesn’t bother me none..I got power and that means Air conditioning. Oh wait…two days after we got back in the house…the A/C broke down. AAARRRGH! Thank goodness for fans eh?
So okay, power, no a/c. Water…no hot water.
My kitty has been very sick for the last week. Renal failure and seizures. I’ve been giving her IV fluids every day. She was doing a little better but tonight, I went home to give her the fluids and she had a major seizure and died. She was old and it would have happened sooner or later but she was my last kitty that I had before my daughter was born. I’ll miss my sweet Bunny. I was glad I was with her in the end, even though it was hard to watch. I sang to her and stroked her body. After she passed, I went to the kitchen to do something and I turn on the water and I guess I pushed the lever to hot side and HEY!!! We have hot water! It was kinda hard to get excited about it but it was a nice little treat.
Did I mention that my dog has decided he can’t be without us? While we were out of the house for the first two days, he would stay with me while I worked all day then go home and spend the night without us. He did fine and then one day the neighbor calls to tell me my dog is sitting in the front yard. My calm dog JUMPED out the window. This time it was open. I got him situated and the next day he dove through a friggin closed window. So now he is living in a crate. Okay…not living in it…he spends like three hours a day in it but in those three hours, he manages to pull two or three heavy-duty wires loose. This is my sweet little dog that wouldn’t hurt a fly…but for goodness sakes don’t TRAP HIM! Who the hell knew….
On the upside I only have one and a half loan payments to go before I get caught up!
Another upside is that my husband is doing well since the heart attack. Okay there is more but I’m not at home and it is late…oh did I mention I have no internet, because my phone is off for now? Well I didn’t want to end on a down note so…..let’s see….I’m still working! Hey that’s a positive note right????
Okay....your turn…write me a note or else……..

Is it wrong........

2007-06-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong to just sit and cry? When it feels like the harder you try to make things right, the deeper the shit gets. When you know it’s not “just” the depression.
I’m tired. Tired of doing. Every fucking day I’m doing but not getting anything done. I can get a loan to catch up on bills since my husband’s heart attack, but I need to get my insurance paid first. I can pay my insurance if I can get the loan. I can get the power turned back on, if I had the entire amount the power company wants me to have but I don’t have it all. Just need a bit more extra money. The same extra money that I am using to rent a car that I HAVE to have so I can work and get my husband to and from work. The work I have to do to help pay for my husband’s medication. The medication he HAS to have so he can stay alive, so he can work, so he can make enough money to help buy his medication. So we can get our piece of shit car fixed, so I can stop renting a car, so we can save enough money to get the power and water turned back on, so we can move back into our home, which we are 2 months behind on the mortgage, so we can stop mooching off other people’s generosity and good hearts, so I can stop feeling like such a loser which makes me more depressed, which makes me want to cry.
So is it so fucking wrong to just want to cry?

A nice little update

2007-05-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

When last we chatted, I had a husband who just had a heart attack. I asked for prayers and good thoughts regarding his recovery and angiogram. WELL IT WORKED!!
Saturday Morning(5-12-07) at 9:30am, he went in for his angiogram. I decided to take my 9 year old daughter to the hospital to see him before the surgery. She did not seem all that nervous which actually made me feel better. After they took him in, we hung out in the family waiting room together. We were both dog tired. There was a small room off to the side where a couch would pull out into a bed, so we went in there to wait. Now, let me tell you, I am a MAJOR germaphobe, and being in the hospital was hard enough on me. Being in that tiny room with a fold away bed that probably a million other folks had slept on, just gave me the willies. BUT ya have to put your fears in for a reality check when something like this is happening. I let my daughter lie down on the bed and made her PROMISE not to roll on her stomach.
Thank goodness I drag around a big bottle of gel sanitizer with me. I smeared us both in it later.
Anyway, about 45 minutes in, an assistant came out and told us they found a blockage in one of my husband's arteries and they were putting a stent in. He was super nice and let me know that he was doing very well.
About 30 minutes later the doctor came out and said they were finished. He showed me before and after photos of my husband's artery. WOW! No wonder he had pain in his chest. His artery was 70% blocked. The good news was they did not find any heart damage or any other significant blockages. He was back in his CCU room by 11:30am.
It was amazing how much calmer he was. We all hung out, just the three of us, and had a couple of snacks. My daughter went to a friend's house for the rest of the day and night and I stayed at the hospital. By about 5 o'clock my husband was cracking me up. He was feeling so much better. We were cracking jokes and having a grand ol time. He was on bedrest until 11:pm. We both fell asleep about 10pm, before he could get a chance to get out of the bed. The next morning he was able to move around. The doctor came in around 9 in the morning and told my husband how well he did and then explained all the things he will have to change in his life, so he can live longer and avoid this from happening again. He made sure to let us know that we were very fortunate to have caught this so early.(hint hint, next time you have pains in your chest, don't wait a month and then end up having a heart attck before coming in)
Then, he discharged him. We had not even been at the hospital 48 hours. PLUS he told my husband he could go back to work on Monday but to take it easy. Can you believe it? Heart attack on Friday, Stent on Wednesday and back to work on Monday. He did go to work on Monday but only worked half a day. He got his paycheck thank goodness, because it took 90% of it to buy just 15 days worth of his medications. No, we don't have insurance. He has only worked at this job for 5 weeks and insurance would have kicked in after 90 days. Kind of bad timing wouldn't you say?
If it weren't for all the good thoughts and prayers, I doubt it would have gone this smoothly. I am so lucky to have such good friends and readers. Thank you to everyone who has sent their good thoughts our way. Also thank you to those who called to check on us, those who offered rides back and forth to the hospital so I could save a little money on parking and to those who helped so much by being there for my daughter. It means the world to us to have you around.
I'll update you all on the progress. He has two days off and is taking it easy yet I still can't get him to quit stressing about money. Since both of us were away from work for 4 days, and we both are hourly workers, we lost almost $600 in income. That money was going to try to fix the car and to pay the electric bill. I have to turn in the rental tomorrow(BIG BUMMER). There is no way to rent it again for a week as they want a $250 deposit which is quite aggrevating since I am only spending $160 for it. But it will be nice when they refund the balance and maybe it will bring my bank account a little closer to the positive side.
Well that is all for now friends.
A BIG HONKIN THANK YOU to everyone!

Iffin you are the prayin kind....

2007-05-12T05:14:00.000-07:00

Hi folks, I only gave a minute here but I thought I would share. Yesterday I took my husband in to the hospital for some arm and chest pain and it turns out he was having a heart attack. He will be having an arteriogram(sp?) and possibly an angiogram today. We are both scared shitless. Thank goodness our daughter had a Girl Scout sleepover last night but it was supposed to be a Mother/Daughter sleepover so she was bummed out. This morning I am heading to pick her up and take her to the hospital to see her Dad before they do surgery. It would be REALLY nice if I could stop crying ya know?
If you are the praying kind or just the send good vibes kind, could you managed to put us in your thoughts?
Oh and I spent my last $10 on parking, so if anyone out there feels the need to throw some change in my PayPal account...don't let me hold you back. We won't get my husband's paycheck til Monday possibly Tuesday and well....ya know.
Thank you every one for thinking of us...I'll update as I can.
Just in case you need it, my PayPal ID is rantingmama@yahoo.com

Maybe you misunderstood me......

2007-05-10T12:01:00.000-07:00

Okay so in my last post, I mentioned I really needed to get a second car. Obviously there is no dealership out there that feels the overwhelming urge to do some charity work and donate a car to someone who is not a 501c. Heck guys, you could advertise all over the car. I drive all over Houston and the surrounding neighborhoods every day. What better advertisement than to have drivers stuck in traffic staring at your name and phone number or website splashed all over a car? Hey I'd keep the car looking good and I have a clean driving record. Oh well that's something that will never happen.
So what I really wanted to say is that when you all sent good second car thoughts, I think the powers that be, thought you wanted my first car to BITE IT BIG, so I'd have to get another car. Why do I think this? BECAUSE IT HAPPENED! My transmission was already slipping but within a week it went from slightly annoying to downright dangerous. Oh sure, let me pump a thousand dollars of money I don't have into a car that only cost me $2,000 to begin with. If I had the thousand I'd put it down on another car. So, considering, I HAD to have transportation to do my job, I had to rent a car. It was an emergency. I need to actually rent one for another two weeks or so but I can't afford it. OR I need to just buy a car and that ain't happenin. Surely someone out there has a car that their parent can't drive anymore or their child has gone off to college and left the car behind and they need a new owner but don't want to hassel with selling it. I'M RIGHT HERE PEOPLE!!!!! I need the car and you NEED someone to take it off your hands.
OKay so maybe you all understand me better now. Let's send good car vibes. Just good car vibes. Or good free but running with A/C car vibes.
We looked into my husband taking a bus to work every day. It would take almost 3.5 hours round trip if the buses are running on schedule! YIKES! We hardly see him much now.
I'm going to pick up my daughter now but please feel free to talk to all your connections and see what you can do for me OR you can drop a little change in my PayPal donations box so that I can pay to keep this car another week. It's only costing me $166.25 so ya know,......a buck fifty would go a long way. OR I'm renting and economy car through Enterprise with a 20% off coupon so if you know some way to get it even cheaper...PLEASE let me know.
And thank you for commenting! I love comments as much as I like getting prezzies!

Oh it's a strange day

2007-04-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day that my husband has gone to a job in about 9 years. Actually 12 years if you don't count a few odd jobs that were contract work. It just so happens I have today off. So here I sit with my daughter at school and my husband at work. Is this what it is supposed to be like? Is this what the "real" world of family is like? It's weird I tell ya. Oh don't get me wrong, I am enjoying the quiet and if I could really focus, I could get a lot done but I can't. It's just all too strange to me.
If our water wasn't still turned off, I'd be doing dishes and laundry, I might even take a shower. But alas, just because we both have jobs, it doesn't mean we have money yet. For the first few months we'll be catching up on bills. I can hardly believe that at some point, we may actually have enough money to not have to worry when the power is going to be turned off. I'm honestly afraid to even think that far along.
Even more exciting but not to be thought about for fear it won't happen, is that if we can get our loan refinanced and have a tad more added to it, we can maybe get a second car. Not a new one mind you, that will never happen, but a car that is new to us. I've been looking at all the reports on gas mileage. There are two cars I think would fit our needs and keep the gas costs down and they are both Toyotas. Uh...anybody out there wanna donate a Toyota Matrix 4 door or even an older style Corolla? Yeah that's what I thought. The way our days are going now is that we all pile in the ol hooptie 93 Taurus and drop my daughter off at school. Then we head out to my hubby's new work. I drop him off and then come back into town and start driving everywhere to see my animal clients. My car will not last long. So, keep your fingers crossed that I can get the money added to the loan...hey it worked when you all sent good thoughts for the husband getting a job so why not have it work for this too.
Well, I'm going to go actually try to be productive and then go pick up that wonderful child of mine who has a new attitude and it's usually full of piss and vinegar and pointed straight at me.
Thanks for being here folks!
Why not leave a comment?

Stop this ride!!!!

2007-03-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

Here, take my hand. That's it...reach out and take a quick ride with me...
I knew you were chicken. Rightly so.
I've been riding the March Madness Roller Coaster AKA my friggin life.
It's a good news bad news, good news kinda month.(note I ended that on good news. I'm working on my negative thing, kinda like my friend Natalie who has issues with ending lists on an odd number)
Alright, let's get this ride started. As we start this ride, we are going uphill...YES that is right UPHILL. I GOT A JOB!!!! Can I get a HELL YEAH!
It is right up my alley too. I'm a pet sitter/dog walker. Perfect for me. I love animals and you can trust me with your home and pet...(oh hush).

Hold on tight, we are at the top of the hill.........and..........oh crap here is the drop.
After working three days I come home and BLAMMO I get a letter saying I have COMMITED A CRIME! Wha???? Me???? I'm like almost squeaky clean. People hate me because I won't break the law and cut loose.
So it turns out in December back when I had some banking, financial disasters and ended up with a bunch of bounced checks, I forgot to pay one of them. I thought I got all of them taken care of. It turns out I didn't. I missed one check. So the store filed a case against me in court. I'm accused of theft by check or something like that. I followed the directions and ran over and paid the store. Then I called the court to find out what next and they tell me that until I bring them the reciept, I HAVE A WARRANT OUT FOR ME!! I shot over there as fast as I could(obeying all laws of course) and gave them the reciept. Then I find out I can either pay the window fine of $200 or make a court date to talk to the judge. I made a court date. EWWWWWW. So we wait til then......There is no warrant anymore at least.

Okay..we're now rolling along the tracks again. We're on a slight incline....... could we be heading uphill again? Could it be, things are looking up? AWW hell no!!
It's a friggin loop de loop.
I come home to find a summons on the floor. We're being sued for back property taxes.
At least it is only $6,000. It could have been a LOT worse. I have 20 days to figure out what to do. Uh.....I'm still figuring that one out........

Now we are coming out of that last spin....we're going uphill again...YIPPEEEEE
MY husband gets an interview and we are almost positive he got the job! WOOHOOO!
HOLD ON!!!We're dropping like hell again. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH it's a steep one now...........
On the way from the job interview the car starts doing something weird. Shimmying and smelling like something is burning. Not unlike what happens when some people I know try to dance(not naming names here). By some miracle of miracles, he gets the car home.
Of course this totally ruins my chance of earning money over the weekend by working.
I HAVE to have a car to do the pet sitting thing.

WHEW the ride is starting to even out again.........
Today my husband is getting the car fixed. Of course it is taking every bit of money I made last week..but it is getting fixed.
So for now....we are still on this damn ride...just waiting to see what lies ahead on the tracks....
So, c'mon....take my hand. It could be fun.........or not!

And we're back!

2007-02-09T12:51:00.000-08:00

Okay so I haven't blogged since before New Years. What does this tell you?
It tells me that I had nothing good to say. I hate it when I sit here and blah blah blah and it all sounds so negative. Honestly though things haven't been so positive.
I won't go there until the end of this. Other than that I've found a couple of jobs to help a bit with the financial mess we are in. I'm still waiting to hear back from PetSmart about the dog washing job. Yeah, I know, sounds exciting doesn't it. But if you know me, you know I like animals and lately I'm liking them more than people. They offer decent pay AND benefits for part-time workers.
In the meantime I've been helping a great lady with sorting out estate sales and this morning I harvested lettuce for another person. Yes, I was out in the damp cold this morning picking lettuce. It was NOT pretty. Of course today was the day a photographer from the local paper came by. I caught him first thing and threatened his manlihood if he got a picture of me. He did the right thing.
Of course, last night, I managed to cut my finger wide open. Perfect thing to have happen the day before you are going to be using your hands all morning. Got me a Garfield band aid and off I went. Damn I'm a trouper or is it trooper....oh man I can feel the spelling police coming after me now.
Hey, also on the "things couldn't get much better" list, my husband is sick as a dog. Dontcha just love it when they go down like a big 2 year old. Honestly he does feel super crappy so I feel sorry for him. I finally coaxed him into taking some Tylenol with Codeine that we had left over from a tooth extraction for our daughter.
Now he is sleeping and snoring. Guess that is a good thing.
Let's see what else is happening around here. I'm still trying to sell things on Ebay and Craigslist. My camera bit the skids on me and now I'm using one that isn't near as good as my last one. Man I loved my Sony Mavica CD400. It was the bestest.
I don't have much of anything to rant about today. Just my drivel you just read.
I was going to tell you why things haven't been so positive around here, but I realize I just dumped all that on you right now! HA fooled you.
One of these days, I'm going to surprise you all by announcing I got a great job and all my bills are paid.
You know what does feel good though? As much money as I am behind in in bills, I only have 300 dollars worth of credit card debt. And I don't intend to go over that amount.
YIPPEE!!

Your Urban Slang word for the day is....

2006-12-28T06:48:00.000-08:00

That's right folks, I'm going to teach you Urban Slang. Why? Well it's because I think you need to know these things, especially if you are not particularly an Urban Youth. There is nothing more sad than a 40 something year old white woman or man, throwing Urban Slang into their vocabulary and not doing it properly. For example the term Ghetto.
This can be a noun or an adjective. Most people these days are using it as an adjective.
There are many definitions out there but this one fits the bill for me today:
Ghetto (adj.) jury-rigged, improvised, or home-made (usually with extremely cheap or sub-standard components), yet still deserving of an odd sense of respect from ghetto dwellers and non-ghetto dwellers alike.
"A TV Guide duct-taped to a 4 foot stick?! That's one hella ghetto 'mote control!"
Yes my friends, just because your chino's have a small scuff on the knee, they are not ghetto. Now I can talk about ghetto because I have a car that we can call ghetto.
Let's talk about the night of Dec. 23, 2006. My daughter and I went to a local mall.
As we get out of the car I feel rain drops, this is not a problem because I always carry my handy dandy car umbrella. No this umbrella is not to carry in the car in case we need to shield ourselves from the rain, this is for my car. That's right. My driver's side window will not go up the last three inches. When it rains, I take my pretty little green and white striped umbrella and position it ever so nicely over the window. I slide the handle through the window and tie it into place with the seat belt. Purdy ain't it? Uh...found out you can't drive with it like that, it catches wind and goes sailing into traffic.
Okay so we now have our umbrella into place. As my daughter tries to shut her door, I hear a thud. Not a good sound. Her door will not latch. For 30 minutes, in the parking lot of the mall, in the rain, I try to get the door to close and latch. It's just this lovely metal against metal sound. Can I tell you frustrated I was?
We HAD to get to the store so, I jammed a rubber toy in the door jamb to turn the inside lights off and yes, I strapped that door shut with the seat belt. Gotta love those seat belts.
It turns out the hinge on the door broke. So now I cruise around with my back door strapped closed with the seat belt. That my friends is ghetto. Get it?
Now, ghetto fabulous is something different which we will discuss at a later date. Please use your Urban Slang wisely and properly. Don't make me have to come over there and...

I never thought I'd say this but.....

2006-12-23T16:36:00.000-08:00

THANK GOODNESS MY KID IS A PEST!
I have a daughter that could talk your ear off. Okay actually just mine. And it isn't a chat like you say something and then she says something....it's more like, I say something and she contradicts it, then tells me over and over each time becoming more elaborate, on why my idea or thought was incorrect. At some point I just tune her out. Especially when we are driving. There is no possible way for me to concentrate on the road AND be in my toes enough not to get verbally bathed by my daughter. So I let her do her defense attorney thing and debate my whole existance.
BUT this one time, I listened (okay it took a few minutes but still...)and it actually saved a life.
I live in this focused world with old lady eyes and bits of senility running rampant through my brain. Which means, if I'm driving somewhere, I only pay attention to the raod and the cars around me because I could easily forget what the heck I'm doing or get distracted by something I "thought" I saw. Which is exactly where my mind was yesterday when I was taking my daughter to a friend's house. She started changing everything I said the minute we left the house. So as we were turning onto the street where I was to drop her off, I was already in my just make it to the door without another disagreement mode.
But NOOOOOOO! Here is how it started:
Her: Ohhh I wonder what that is. (pointing to lights in a neighbor's house.)
Me: Probably just the menorah.
Her:Uh...I don't think so.
Me: Okay maybe it's the fireplace.
Her: Or maybe the menorah on the fireplace.
Me: Maybe(which is my way of saying PLEASE don't go any further...I'm tired of this.
Her: Well it doesn't look good.
Me: What?
Her: It doesn't look good, it looks like something is burning.
Me:Well maybe....(then I turned to look again)
Me: Looks like sparklers.......oh wait......oh crap!
This is when I told her to stay at the car and I went over to look in the window. Oh yeah, something was burning all right. The plastic table was on fire and what I saw as sparklers was dripping plastic burning it's way to the ground and hitting the floor. I told her to go get her friend's mom and tell her there was a fire. I banged on the windows and door. Rang the doorbell...no answer. There were two cars in the driveway so I thought someone should bethere. Anyway one guy finally came to the door and started pouring water on the fire which only made it worse.
To make a long story short I got him to help me carry the burning table outside where I doused it with a hose.
Turns out they had an oil menorah and somehow the oil caught the tablecloth on fire which in turn started the table...
On top of that, the man in the house was a house sitter AND he is an Orthodox Jew. As is the family that lives there. That would not have meant a thing except not only was last night the last night of Hanukkah but it was also Shabbat. SO for the Orthodox, they are not allowed to do any work. This includes turning on lights, driving cars... there is a myriad of things that is classified as worka dn i pretty much encompasses everything that isn't reading the Torah. That is until Saturday after sundown. So here this poor guy was, and he wasn't supposed to be answering the door much less carrying out a table or pouring water on something. I actually felt sorry for him. He was so torn about what he should be doing that he just kind of walked in circles.
Anyhow. It all turned out Okay. No one got hurt. The table was destroyed, there is a bit of smoke damage and burns on the floor but all in all it turned out okay.
And none of it would have happened if my daughter didn't pester me about what she was seeing.
The nice thing is the Firefighters praised her when they got there. She needed that.

That number again is............

2006-12-20T11:45:00.000-08:00

A couple of folks have wanted to help me with my financial situation. I keep saying no but for some reason, the word NO isn't always heard. I can prove that fact with one of any conversations I have with my daughter.
If you really want to help with money you could put some money into one of my many overdue bills.If you e-mail me I'll send you a phone number and an account number to the phone(not cell phone just a land line, that if I could pay the whole bill, I could change my service and save a lot of money) or utility company. I could even fax you a bill. This way you would know that your money would be going towards the bills and not to some person you don't know who might take your cash and go buy drugs or something.
I added the Amazon Wishlist in the previous post like a few folks asked about. Life just isn't about things for us so it is hard to make a wish list that doesn't have "fix heater" or "fix oven" on it.
I just don't know what more to say. Iffin ya want any more info just e-mail me.

I may be gone but......

2006-12-19T20:25:00.000-08:00

Life may suck and all for me right now but after hearing some of the messages people have left me, I felt I better touch base lest you worry. Yes I'm super dee duper dee financially busted. Yes, I may lose my phone and electricity tomorrow. Yes I see no big change in this problem in the near future...BUT NO I am not suicidal. Just thought you might need to know that.
On another note..... Remember back just a few posts ago when I said I had a new pretend boyfriend? All giddy I was with glee...well I had to let him go. Little did I know at the time but he was well on his way to"THIS!"? So...now I'm without a New Pretend Boyfriend. I'm not all choked up about it though, that is one beautiful baby isn't it? Now I get to read his words and enjoy the fact that he has no idea what he has in store. Almost makes me giddy again. I don't think I'll be looking for a NPP again anytime soon. I'm kinda partial to my ex. He can still make me laugh and don't have to worry if there is spinach in my teeth.
So in summary:

Thank you for calling or writing but please refer back to said post where I mentioned I wouldn't be answering the phone.(now don't get your feelings hurt..you know I love you)
I'm profoundly broke and probably have reason to feel a bit suicidal but yet I am not.
My New Pretend Boyfriend and I broke up but it was well worth it
You can make me feel better by buying me something off my

Now, don't you feel better too?

And then there was none...adios

2006-12-17T19:19:00.000-08:00

I'll be going into "hiding" for a bit. Phone won't be answered, even if it miraculously stays connected. As always, the door won't be answered. If the power stays on, I may check e-mail every once and again but can't tell you if I'll reply or not.

We've let our lives go into the toilet and have hit the bottom where no one should be. We'll be doing a cleansing. All the shit I kept saying I was going to sell is going out to the curb and/or being donated. I can't keep living my life like there is some dream or hope ahead. I will be hitting the Food Stamp office in the morning and going from business to business within our area to pass out resumes. R has already started passing out flyers for pool service within our neighborhood so we can keep him close to home for H.

We can't keep living day to day and hoping that we will somehow make enough money to pay anything. People have helped us out WAY beyond what they should. Every single utility is so far behind we are lucky they haven't turned us off permanently. Our bank account is so far in the negative it isn't funny. Every day I sit in tears praying that something will get better but each day, I get no call backs for work, but continue to get past due notices. I owe friends money. That is enough right there to make me want to just hide in a hole.But I can't . I have a husband who is on the verge of having a heart attack or stroke from the stress and a child who does not deserve parents who cannot give her a good life. I'm going to try to give her the life she deserves.

If I owe you money, I promise I will pay you. It may take a little longer than I planned. If I have items of yours that we were working on selling on Ebay, I'll be writing you so you can come and get them. I will not be able to continue on Ebay for a while. I won't have the time.

I want you to know I really appreciate everything everyone has done for my family and for the families I was helping during my Missions.

I love you all!

I'll be back when I finally get back to living like a real person..............................

A Day in the life of an empty wallet

2006-12-16T14:11:00.000-08:00

You wake up thanking God that there is no school today because you have no bread or crackers to make a p-nut butter and jelly sandwich for your child. At least at home she can eat p-nut butter off a plate or out of a bowl.

You thank God the water has not been turned off yet because you have no other fluids for drinking.

You are happy that it is Saturday and the power is still on because they don't usually disconnect on Saturday. (repeat for gas and phone)

You are thankful that your neighbor will loan you $15.00 so you can put enough gas in your car to get your child to a birthday party she has been wanting to go to and so you can buy the birthday child a present because you have skipped the last two birthday parties because you didn't have enough money to buy a present.

You hope and pray someone will buy something off Craigslist today and bring cash so you can buy some milk and bread.

You are thankful you don't have cancer and follow through on your promise to take the donation money to the wonderful family you have been collecting money to help.

You wonder hoe in the hell you got yourself in this position and why in the hell you can't seem to get yourself out of it.

You pray that your child's toothache, she woke up with, will go away because you don't have the money to take her to the dentist right now.

You pray that the arm and chest pain your husband is having is just stress related and will pass.

Every time the phone rings, you run to it hoping it is a call back for a job or someone wanting to buy something you are selling.

You don't even bother looking at the bank account because you know you are almost 600 in the negative and someone is bound to call and tell you that you bounced a check.

You try to quit stressing on the fact that on the 20th they will try to take another 300 dollars out of your account for a loan payment.

You don't even want to talk about the holidays and have made excuses already on why you can't be at the family functions.

You thank God you have a roof over your head.

You wonder if you should put this out for everyone to see but in the end it doesn't really matter. There are millions of people out there just like you. Everyone you know has problems and they have all helped to the point it hurts both of you.

You cry and keep moving forward and pray.

Is it over yet?

2006-11-26T18:56:00.000-08:00

Ahhh the joys of the holiday season. NOT!! Actually, since the beginning of November I've slowly but surely tried to undo any amount of therapy and medication that I've gone through.
Maybe it was a slow painful death I was looking for, then again maybe NOBODY out there in the real world slapped my upside the head and said.."STOP! Rethink this move you are making!" But did you do it? NO! We're you on the other end of the damn screen screaming "HOLY SHIT don't think about volunteering at the kid's school near the holidays!" No, you were not. So I spent many a day at the school volunteering and going to meetings at the school in the evening and helping a child with a project and getting ready for the holidays and getting stuff ready for the second benefit garage sale. I barely slept, cranked on my husband and child and encountered a roaring case of PMS in the mirror. Damn that woman in the mirror.(Stop it, I know you are thinking of that Michael Jackson song, now just quit it.)
Anyway, that garage sale is over and we did pretty well. I'm holding the final garage sale at my house this coming weekend. I've had some wonderful people donating items for the sale.
So after the sale, we start working on getting this house together or at least cleaned up enough to have people over after the holidays.
I know this hasn't been the most witty entry in the world and it actually is boring me to write it. I felt I needed to just pop in though since I've been gone so long.
Did ya miss me?

Free Bar-B-Que and a Boyfriend

2006-11-05T14:49:00.000-08:00

Don't anyone get excited..it's not what you think.
My friend Natalie turned me on to the term "Pretend Boyfriend". Of course, I interpreted that the way I wanted. So, I now have a "Pretend Boyfriend". The good thing about my PB (easier to type PB than Pretend Boyfriend each time) is he doesn't know I exist. Or if he did know, it wouldn't matter. Finally, someone who doesn't care what I look like, what I do, or how ignorant I can be. He will never see me do something stupid at a party.....(I am SO not mentioning what I did at the Reunion), he won't tune me out, because he can't hear me and what's best is...I get to visit when I want. There is specific time that I have to be there, no damn reporting in...just me and my computer...which is starting to frighten me because tomorrow it will be cut off with the electricity and phone!!!! WHAT WILL I DO?
Anyhow, I don't have to entertain him or get him a glass of his favorite beverage. What a perfect pretend relationship. He is funny and dare I say a tad warped? What I really like is that I can go months without visiting and then when I pop by it is like nothing's changed. Ahhhhhhhhhh to have a pretend boyfriend. It rocks.
As we all read in my previous post today, I am broker than broke, on the verge of poor and losing the battle fast. Now for the upside. All we had left to eat in the house today was cereal(yeah Pauly a whole 2 servings), bread and peanut butter and no money to buy any food until that darn check comes. Anyhow I was driving back home from dropping off my daughter and I saw our local park filled with people. Then it hit me "FREE FOOD". There was a neighborhood thing at the park and there was FREE FOOD! Man I didn't miss a beat, I went sailing up into that parking lot, hopped out of the car and got two big boxes to go. One for me and one for my Not-so-pretend husband. My daughter was at a friend's house or I would have brought some home for her as well. I walked in the door with the food and the dog and husband both fell off the couch drooling. We sat down like people who hadn't eaten in months. It was quite disgusting but ohhhhhhh so good. Now if someone could point me to the FREE Desserts, I'll just make my way over.......

The one where I get real

2006-11-05T11:21:00.000-08:00

THIS HAS BEEN EDITED TO TAKE OUT THE MISSION AND GIVING ROOM STUFF!
Someone asked me what they could do for me. I’m not one to often ask for things. Usually because I feel this unending need to pay people back. AND once I already had to go to allow folks to help me and I hated it.......
I’m going to be so honest here that it is going to hurt. IF you know me personally, please don’t look at me pitifully and mention things to your child about that poor family. The last thing I want is my daughter to know the situation. Also, please don’t talk to me about it because I will start crying. I am TOTALLY not pretty when I cry.
Oh and by the way. I’ll make it anyway, I always do.
Okay, here we go:
I’d love to win the lottery but who wouldn’t? That is not reality. I’d love to have some philanthropist throw about $40,000 my way. I can’t begin to tell you what that would do for our world. That amount of money would help get the house in working order, a few doctor bills paid, get health insurance for at least 6 months for our family and also allow us the time to get our house in order so we can finally have people over so we can network and get back in contact with our friends.
So if you know a philanthropist that is need of a charity that can’t give them anything but a heartfelt “Thank You”, please let them know. I’m sure there is someone out there that knows Oprah, Bill & Melinda Gates, Mark Cuban, Jeff Bezos , Warren Buffet or Sir Richard Branson , just to name a few. Surely there is SOMEONE out there with more money than they can use this month. I'll take a measley $1,500 to $2000 a month to stay home and raise my daughter well. Keep reading to find out just what I would do with a monthly salary.
Reality
I need a storage unit. I am still collecting items for the benefit garage sale that didn’t go very well before. We’ll be having it again on Nov.24-26. Until then, I have boxes of things in my house that keep getting confused with my Ebay items to sell and, well it’s a disaster.
Dream
I’d love to continue taking donations for the sale but I can’t if I don’t have space. So if anyone knows of a storage facility that will give me one month free, that would rock. Oh and since I have a crappy old car, it would be really helpful if it was close to the 77035 Zip Code.
Reality
I need a job. Preferably a part time job from like 9am-1pm. One I don’t need to dress up for because I don’t have the clothing. One that is close by because I have a sucky car that won’t make it far.
My husband needs a job. Preferably a job that doesn’t require dressing up because he doesn’t have office clothing at all. He can not lift more than 40lbs yet he will tell you he can.. Oh he CAN lift it but he probably won’t be able to walk for a few days. Need somebody to clean your pool? He can do it. He has tried to get a job at Pool supply stores but they seem to want someone younger than 50. He rocks at customer service. He also loves plants. So if you own a nursery or know someone who does, he’d love to work there.
We can both take drug tests and background checks.
Dream
There has to be SOMEONE out there that wants to pay me $1500 to $2000 for staying home and being my daughter’s mother. At least until January 2007. Heck the government pays people to just sit home and collect money from them PLUS they pay for daycare. I’d rather not suck off the system. I will work from home. I can edit your blog, read your work and tell you what I think. I can give my opinion all day long. Don’t think for a minute I would just sit around. I would be cleaning house, helping my daughter with homework , playing with my daughter, Selling on Ebay and Craigslist, helping others and being a good citizen and be active in my community. All things I have a hell of a time doing now because every day and minute is focused on getting the immediate bills paid. So, if you know someone out there that wants to keep a mother home, give them my name and number.
Okay, so I think we’ve covered it. I need money, a car and a job. Once I get that under control we can talk about having Ty come do a home makeover. Oh and yeah I could really dig a full body massage , spa, haircut, massage, dermabrasion, massage, some new clothes...did I mention a massage?
Hate mail me if you want. Tell me I should be happy for what I have and that some people are in much worse situations. Trust me I KNOW . That is why I try to help those people. And do not get me wrong, I am VERY happy and VERY grateful for what I have. Someone asked me what I needed and I decided I’d just put this out there.

A little chunk o' life

2006-11-02T11:33:00.000-08:00

I'm getting sick(I think) so I had to steal my post off my "Small Chunks" page of my Giving Room site. Sorry bout that folks, I just can't stay sitting up much longer.....

Today I realized that while I've been raising money for my friend, I have forgotten to keep track of myself. People have been saying to me,"How can you raise money for someone else when your situation is so bad?" The deal is, that's what I do. I cannot stand to see someone who is inches away from being in my situation. If there is something I can do to help them not be "here", then I'll do it. Usually I just keep my head above water while helping others. This time I manage to go a few feet under with only a very small air pocket. Ya know, when you are expecting a payment that doesn't come on time, don't let your mortgage payment get automatically deducted from your account. This happened once before (that a check was not arriving when expected), but before I managed to contact the loan company and have the date delayed on the payment. This time my head was elsewhere and I am busily racking up overdraft charges. AAARGH!!! I hate it when I let that happen. Oh and just to beef up the "Don't let this happen to you" experience, I called the phone and electric company at the beginning of the week to have them extend my payment date until Friday. That was back when the check was going to be here on Tuesday.
So what have we learned from this small chunk o life?
1. Don't forget to call if you need to delay a payment. Companies appreciate it much more if you let them know before you are late.
2. Post a sticky note on your forehead reminding you of #1. Then hammer it in with a nail because it is THAT important.
3. Don't call the bank and ask them to reduce your overdraft charges if after reducing them you are STILL in the negative. They kinda frown upon that.
4. Don't set a date to pay a late bill unless you are POSITIVE the money will be there. This kind of bad planning can cause a domino effect that ends in a nasty picture of no electricity or phone and more of #3 than you can imagine.
5. The local food pantry at the church is a good thing even if you are too proud or feel too stupid to utilize it.
There is your daily chunk o life.
Use it wisely.

Of Typos and poor grammer

2006-11-01T07:54:00.000-08:00

Look people......I can live with you not commenting or leaving a reply BUT I can not get past you not sending me a note about a big typo which led to a grammatical disaster. I know there are a few lurkers out there that are SUPER anal about proper grammar and typos. Of course, I can't see how you can stand to read my writing because proper punctuation and grammar isn't my forte. I'm not even going to tell you what I screwed up in the last post but I KNOW you saw it. Next time tell a girl will ya? Please Ms. Anal lurker(you know who you are and don't get all paranoid on me) write me next time I screw up like that.
Now..back to your regularly scheduled programming..........

The word for the day is ......

2006-10-31T10:50:00.000-08:00

Kvetch! Yup that's the word for the day. I was so excited that I could use that word and know the meaning which is rare, because I often throw words in just because I like the sound of it and in no way do I understand the true meaning. So, you want to know what Kvetch means?

kvetch \KVECH\, adjective:1. To complain habitually.
noun:1. A complaint.2. A habitual complainer.

HA! Is that ME or what? I think I'm changing the name of the blog to "Coffee and Kvetching".
The reason I thought I would do this , as if you really give a shit, is it is my new Tuesday morning ritual. I get to go to have coffee every Tuesday morning with a truly wonderful woman. We sit and talk for about an hour. I LOVE IT! Of course I am usually kvetching about one thing or another. Hell I almost don't need to blog since I spill so much crap on her. Poor thing. I may have to do some "mission" for her someday just to pay for all the therapy she will need after listening to me. In the meantime, I just love my Tuesday morning coffee's. AND she isn't even my queenie therapist. But she could be.
As we all know, I don't have friends. I have people who put up with me. I'm scared to death to call someone a friend. I'm always afraid I'm stepping way over a boundary when I do that. I mean, what if I think they are my friend and I do something stupid(yeah I do stupid things. now quit laughing) and they never speak to me again. Oh well enough self loathing and worry.
I still like my meetings and until she calls me an ignorant white trash ho, then I'm going to show up at the coffee shop. Of course she would be right about everything but the ho part but still......who wants to hear it, right?
Oh I almost forgot, tonight is Halloween. I've spent the last two hours cleaning off my porch so my child will quit making me feel like crap for not having decorations set up. This is her FAVORITE holiday so I really needed to do something about it. What will you be doing tonight? Dare I ask? If you have a child or a dog, are you dressing them up? Will you dress up? And the most important question is....Whatcha gonna do with all that chocolate? Ahem...might I remind you there is a woman down here in Tejas that could use some chocolate therapy. I could use some retail therapy too but that ain't gonna happen. Not that I want you to box it (the chocolate)up and send it to me but......uh......okay, if you insist.
I'll be waiting.
BOO!

Why didn't you stop me?

2006-10-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

And you call yourself a friend? Okay maybe not, maybe you don't know me at all, but where were you when I decided that a benefit garage sale was a good idea?
Garage Sale the two words that can make me throw the car in reverse and squeel with glee, now make me sick to the stomach and all stressed out. Oh, when it's in somebody else's yard and I'm just a visitor stalking the wares, I'm all hyped up and giddy. But when it is me, behind the cash register, setting up items, marking, pricing, tagging........oh the humanity. As usual I am not near ready. I didn't start until late(can you say yesterday??).
I'm cranky and tired. My mattress sucks and I roll to the middle and collide with the dog and the husband. Make your own joke here because I'm really too exhausted to think one up.
Update on the Giving Mission.......well there isn't one. I haven't had a donation since October 25th and not one person is watching the auction I wanted to highlight. Ahh well, maybe I will make some money tomorrow to add.
Now back to my original bitchfest....I mean rant.....Why didn't one of you call me when you heard me utter the words "garage sale". Where was my little fairy person that is supposed to smack me upside the head when I get thoughts like that? If I don't make some good money tomorrow you are all going to hear about it. I may not let you live it down.
Oh and...my favorite thrift store is having a half-price day tomorrow and I'll be running a garage sale...HOW FAIR IS THAT??????? If it weren't for a good cause I'd be really upset.
I'm too tired to keep ranting...I'm going to roll into the dog.

Watch a Shirt...Save a Life

2006-10-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

AAARGH dontcha hate it when you write something all witty and such and you hit publish before hitting save? This now will be rushed as I have to run get the child from school.
Gee with all the new people who have been coming to read my blog, you would think ONE of them would go to Ebay and help me get this ONE stinking auction on Ebay pulse by just clicking "Watch This Item". But NOOOOOOOO, people come and go, they have also been visiting my new Giving or Mission Page. While I appreciate the visits..you think maybe ONE of you would help me get that shirt on Ebay Pulse. If we do, it brings all sorts of people to it and if ONE of them reads it, they may get a Mammogram. Is that a problem? I don't care if you bid. Heck my Mission is pretty much in the toilet anyway with no one donating(not even a buck mind you and today is Give a Buck Day).
Oh and would it hurt you to leave a comment? I mean could you just say Hi or Buzz Off or whatever. Here I'll give you something to write. How about you tell me two things you want in your life. Not like world peace or anything but two things that would make you very happy if they were to come true is your lifetime. These would be personal things and don't you EVEN THINK about writing that you want to DO Mel.
Here, I'll start:
1. I'd like to meet at least one person in my Birthfamily.
2. I'd like to live long enough to see my daughter become anything and everything she wants to be.
And on the frivolous side:
3. I'd REALLY like a makover. One that includes everything including clothing.
Okay, your turn......

When Fantasies Fail You

2006-10-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

Do you have this wonderful fantasy world that every now and then you allow yourself a moment in? I'm not even talking BIG fantasy world's like castles and kingdoms full of beautiful people and food that won't make you fat. I'm talking that simple little fantasy that every now and then when you see a certain person, be it an old flame, a neighbor or even an actor, you say to yourself, "Oh boy I could do him!" Okay, maybe you don't use that terminology. But you know what I mean. The(in my case a guy)kinda fantasy man that you know you never will meet and never ever have a chance at but every great once in a while when you see him on TV or the movies, you take in one of those deep breaths and just sigh at the thought of it. Or maybe this person seeps into your dreams, where you do whatever it is your fantasy is.
Now I guess I've made myself clear on what I mean by fantasy.
Now, imagine this fantasy person goes and does something that ruins it all for you. For example. Say you have this hot for his bod kinda fantasy for say......uh......Mel Gibson. You think he is handsome and oh so fine, plus he's a family man with a great ass. Yeah, say that is your fantasy. Then Mr. Mel goes and does something like getting STINKING DRUNK and says really horrible things when on the police camera. Oh did I mention he was..DRIVING DRUNK!! Ah yes, and if that didn't shatter your image of him he goes and tries to talk it all away. Not even attempting to take responsibility for his action. If you were a man, it would have the same effect as jumping in a ice cold pool. Instead you are a woman and damned if you aren't pissed.
It's hard enough to find someone or something to fantasize about. Every time you think you've found something there is some hidden flaw that makes you turn away in horror. Why we can't just let it go and live for the breathless moment that will never be, is beyond me. Not that this has ever happened to me mind you.....I was just saying what IF this happened.
So, what do you do when your fantasy fails you?

And the RACE is on......

2006-10-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

It's the EBAY community VS. Blogging Community
It all started with me trying to raise some money for a friend who is going through treatment for breast cancer. I first started on my Ebay about ME page and started a Giving Back Mission.
The point was, that when I was poor , I had wonderful people that supported me emotionally and financially. People donated money and gift cards without asking anything in return. That support, got me back up and living again. I was able to find a job, which helped me make enough money to fix my car which made it easier to get my daughter to school while I worked and that in turn made life MUCH better for everyone at our house. Sometimes people are on the verge of going from broke to being poor. BIG DIFFERENCE! Once you cross that line, it is hard as hell to get back to just being broke. Loss of a job, medical emergencies and sick family members are just a few things that can start you down that slope. Sometimes, if you just had the money to pay the electricity bill, you would still have enough to get gas to get to work and buy food. BUT if you have to pay the electricity bill to keep the lights on, you can't buy the gas for the car or get food for the week. It's not that much money to keep someone from slipping over the edge.
I've been there and it isn't pretty. So, when I found out that a friend was going through treatment that kept her from work for a few days a week, I decided to find a way to help. I'm donating half my profits from Ebay and anything extra I can give. She doesn't know about it and I hope she will never know who has done this for her.
My mission is to raise $5,000.00 in two weeks. I started on October 19th and it ends on November 2, 2006.
Here is where the RACE started. One of my blogging friends was miffed that I didn't include the Blogging, MySpace community in this Mission. She said, she thought the Blogging community would raise more than Ebayers. So I said what the heck. Let's see who can do it.
I made two separate pages to donate from. Both the same. So far the Ebay community is in the lead but that is only because I started with them first. So we're starting from zero now(the previous money is still being donated just not counted in the RACE).
If you have read this far and feel like donating, then here is the link CLICK ME!!
Or you can buy something from me on Ebay and the profits will go towards my Mission.
Thank you to everyone and for goodness sakes prove yourselves!!
I'll go back to my regularly scheduled blogging this afternoon.

HEY where's my prezzie?

2006-05-31T06:54:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Libby for sharing that it's my Birthday today. So? Where's my gift? I mean it! Where is my friggin present?! Oh...you forgot it? That's okay..maybe next year.
Okay so now we all know I'm 44. I just sent out an e-mail to some folks stating I was 43. Shee-yit..I can't even remember my own age. Can we blame it on the meds? Oh let's do. I know you want to know what it is like being trapped in a 44 year old body. Let me share.....it sucks!
My shoulders ache(hint for prezzie...a massage), my hair is turning gray/grey (another prezzie hint- I need a haircut and dye job) and all in all I look like somebody's mother. OH WAIT, I AM SOMEBODY'S MOTHER! Poor kid.
In honor of my birthday let's have a quiz. Let's see what you don't know about me and what I've done in my 44 years. (those that have a preconceived notion about me may want to turn away).
I'll give you a question and multiple choice answers, you get to pick which one is true about me and then check back tomorrow for the right answer plus a small rant/story to go with it.
In my 44 years I have
(edited)if you had been here a few months ago you would have seen the questions and the post that followed. Now it's all a guessing game and you can make up your own answers. Share them if you want to.

There you have it. Now you get to choose which one. If you want to , you can even say why you chose the answer you did.
I'll see ya'll tomorrow!

What the...?! Part 2

2006-05-20T05:43:00.000-07:00

HEY LOOK! Two posting in two days. Since someone mentioned it had been three months since my last post, I guess I should catch you up a little bit.
I lost my job on April 10th. ACK! Ask me if that sucks. Go ahead and ask me......YES IT SUCKS! I have not found another job as of yet. I've been selling for some people on eBay. A wonderful human being helped me get my computer out of the shop. I put it in for repairs two days before I lost my job. Can you imagine me with NO COMPUTER? Oh yeah it wasn't pretty. So I'm kinda looking for work but I'd really like to be able to sell full time on eBay. I'm pretty sure I've said that a million times before.
Anyhow the job is gone and here we sit with damn near no income. Ain't life grand? DH has been able to get a little money coming in every now and then but that sure doesn't pay the bills. Okay enough about money....let me get back to my rant about my therapist.....
I learned a very big lesson yesterday. DO NOT ever give your therapist your eBay ID name when it is the same damn name that is on your blog. Especially if you decide to call him a screaming Queen. Uh...so...Robert...if you are reading this...please take it with the humor that was intended. Lord knows I can't control what comes out of my fingertips. With that being said.......the rant begins......
So as I mentioned in my previous post, my therapist thinks I need a haircut. Sounds weird huh? Not really, in his defense, it is all about me getting back to finding out who I am and liking it. To be honest I'm not sure that is even a doable thing. After 43 years of NOT liking myself how is a makeover going to make a difference. His motto..."Fake it til you Make it".
How does one go about finding out who you are? I'm not sure I ever had a real sense of self. I'm sure at one time I did but I can't remember that far back. So I guess I look at myself today and say, "Who are you?". Of course the depressed person in me screams "You are a fat, tired, ugly woman who makes jokes to cover pain." But I am not so deeply depressed that I can't see some self worth in me. I truly like most people. Uh...even though I usually don't trust them. I can be a good friend when I give myself and someone else a chance. Okay I'm tired of saying nice things about me.
What I want to know is what is my style? What would make my outside look good? I need thoughts. Honestly what I need is for you to tell me how I look in your mind's eye. Be brutally honest. Don't worry, I'm medicated and in no way am I suicidal. For those of you that know me and have seen me, go ahead and give me a makeover in your mind. For those that don't , go ahead. Not that I've given you much to work with other than my glowing report of how I look.
In my next post I'll share how I really want to look and combine your ideas with mine. Oh the thrill of it all...can you just wait?
Oh and for goodness sakes go to eBay and bid on something. I'll have a lot more listed tomorrow. Bid high and often. I need to pay the bills!

What the..?!

2006-05-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

OKay so I go to the "therapist" today. Mind you this is at the County Mental Health Facility....He decides that I need to change my hair. YEAH! Doesn't he remember that I'M FRIGGIN BROKE? This is why I go to the stinkin County for my mental health care. Great, I get a screamin Queen therapist(which doesn't bother me except......)he is also a hair stylist. Just what I need. I'll be honest, I've let my looks go. I haven't had a haircut in probably 7 months. Do I need one? YES. Do I need a complete makeover? YES Can I afford it? HELL NO! I reminded him that having a new do would entail keeping it up and that would cost M-O-N-E-Y. In all fairness I do look like crap. My hair looks flat and straggley, my skin is dull, I'm overweight, my clothes....well let's not even go there. So why did I end up coming out of there with worse self-esteem than I went in with?(I didn't think that was even possible)
On the upside I got out of his office with a package of Little Debbie's snack cakes! More to come.........

Knock Knock

2006-02-04T08:31:00.000-08:00

Don’t you just hate when all a person ever writes about is the bad shit? Me too. Now avert your eyes because it’s a coming……
Money is back to SERIOUSLY tight again. This time of year EVERY year life is hell. It’s tax time. Not taxes as in the stinkin IRS but as in property taxes. Having your home already paid off has some serious drawbacks. Yeah you don’t have a mortgage payment, but every December you get two whopping bills that total somewhere around $5,000 and they want you to pay it ALL AT ONE TIME! So that kind of sucks.
That sort of seems trivial though when you think about the other thing weighing on my mind. My boss is sick. She went in to get her gall bladder removed and they found colon cancer. Where everything goes from here we just don’t know. Keep her in your thoughts please.
On a good note…(oh shut up, there is TOO a good note. What do you mean I’m always bitching? Don’t make me come over there…..)
On a good note…I’ve got 6 things listed on eBay.

eBay Seller: rantingmama: Animals, Cultures, Ethnicities items on eBay.com

Woohoo! A whole six things. 3 are selling. No I’m not gonna get rich but hey it’s extra money ya know? I hate to beat a dead horse but I sure would be happy to just stay home and do eBay all day. If anyone has like $20,000 just burning a hole in your pocket….I could sure spend it wisely. Just click that PayPal button over there and share the wealth. I’ve been starting my business plan and I need to spend at least two months at home getting this place in order and setting up an office and studio.(see that’s where your 20 thousand comes in heh heh). That’s two whole months with no pay. Then it is down to business. Gotta get a working computer and a DSL line. A light box for pictures and another camera with really good macro capabilities. Oh what the hell, I need a new car too. Well at least one with A/C and heat. It would probably help to get the plumbing fixed so when I have people over (yeah that’s in the plan…people will actually be able to come over to my house…GASP!!!) they can use the bathroom. Okay what I really need is for Ty to come over and redo the house while I’m out getting a makeover. Plus a big honkin check to get me started. Would somebody get that ball rolling for me? Anybody ? Hey it was worth a try.
I gotta go back and try to list some more on eBay.
I’ll be starting a science experiment web page for my daughter. I’d put a link on here because the experiment is all about how many people from all over the world can find a page just from an e-mail link and word of mouth.
I’ll be back soon I hope and possibly write some new fun stuff. I’m just burnt out of emotion right now and I can barely rant.

Cough Cough Sputter

2005-11-07T19:37:00.000-08:00

WARNING……NO SPELLCHECK on this entry. Read at your own risk
I guess I just need to write tonight. One of the things that keeps me from sharing and writing in my blog is that I don’t want people writing to me telling me what to do or how to fix it. Oh, if you have helpful words I’d love to hear them but so many people just don’t understand my situation in life nor do they understand me. Of course, it is kinda hard to understand someone who doesn’t share any inside info. It’s just that if I say, I am stressed out because I am the sole bread winner in our house and I feel I have to work even through illness just to make sure we have enough money to pay the bills……well, people write me asking why my husband doesn’t get off his ass and do something. Knowing that people will write me saying that or just think it, makes me feel like half the time I have to defend myself or him. Honestly there shouldn’t be any defending. Anyone who has ever taken care of someone or been in chronic pain should understand.
I’m amazed at how much my husband can do with the pain he is in most of the time. So the fact that he hasn’t found a job yet that doesn’t compromise his health….well see there I go…trying to defend . Don’t get me wrong, there are days where I am just tired as hell of wondering how much pain he is going to be in and what he will or will not be able to do. Sounds callous yes? Well that’s my life. Now here is what I was really going to write tonight…………
I am having one of those evenings where I would rather just pull the covers up over my eyes and cry the night away. My daughter was sick week before last, then on Halloween night my husband started getting sick. The entire week after that he was sick and I was single Mom on the job. I bow to any working single Mom out there. One problem in my way was that I wasn’t single and I had my husband to contend with as well. I love him to death but when he is sick, I wish he would just go in a room and stay out of the way until he feels better. Plus when he gets a cold or flu, the constant coughing aggravates his back pain sometimes making it to where he can’t walk at all. So on top of the husband being sick and cranky and in pain…, my daughter gets a toothache this weekend. Poor little thing. She was hurting so badly. Anyhow, the stress of sick husband, sick daughter and me trying to get sick…add on top of that I haven’t slept well since she first started getting sick………I’m a friggin wreck. I go to work in a fog and come home in a fog and am emotionally and physically spent. Tonight my husband copped an attitude with me about something and I have no idea what, at the same time I was trying to keep my daughter calm so that she wouldn’t freak out when she needed to take some new medicine. I felt like I was being pulled two directions. Give him attention and find out what’s bugging him so we can get past it and give her attention so she doesn’t start stressing about medicine. NOBODY EVEN GIVES A SHIT THAT I’M SICK TOO! My ears hurt, my back aches, my head hurts and I’m all stuffed up. Oh and of course my period just started. Let’s just add that the house is a wreck, money is tight (even tighter after I found out my daughter has to have her tooth pulled and a spacer put in) and I’m just in no mood at all.
Whew I actually feel a little better after getting that all out. Aren’t you glad you were here to hear me spew?
Now the silver lining, because you know I need to find one good thing in this hellacious day…..
After telling someone via e-mail how my day was going (trust me it was only about 4 sentences)..she sent me an e-mail and said…”What can I do for you this week” OH MY Gosh! Can I tell you I cried when I read those words. Of course, being the martyr that I am I wouldn’t dream of asking for help but just knowing she is there and offered...well I'm getting choked up all over again. I may actually have a friend.
Thanks for listening. I’m done

Random thoughts on a Friday

2005-09-30T17:47:00.000-07:00

So it’s been over a month since I’ve written. First Hurricane Katrina hit Louisiana and I got all involved with helping. Then I got busy at work. Then Hurricane Rita came and scared the bejeepers out of us. We were lucky, no damage. We made it an adventure by camping out in the hall with games, flashlights and snacks. Then I got busy at work again. Seems like my life eh?
I wish I had something exciting to talk about but I really don’t I just wanted to touch base with everyone.
My daughter went to a movie tonight with a friend. A BOY friend…oh and his parents. I trust these people so don’t think I’m a horrible parent. This young boy is the only one who ever understood her attraction to The Nightmare Before Christmas. In Kindergarten he had his mother write down all the words to one of their favorite songs from the movie and he gave it to H. So when they found out there was another Tim Burton movie (The Corpse Bride) they both got excited. These two kids have been counting down the days until the movie opened for 3 months. The damn thing opened here on Sept. 23rd the same night Hurricane Rita hit. Can I tell you how upset these two were? So tonight they are sitting in a theatre just thrilled to pieces and I'm sitting at home trying to catch up on things computer related. Sounds terribly exciting huh?
I’m just happy to have an hour of computer time uninterrupted. The worst thing is….I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING TO WRITE ABOUT!!!!! Damn that writer’s block. What the hell gives with that?
Speaking of brain malfunctions…you ever have one of those days that starts with taking a shower and about half way through you can’t remember if you washed your hair or not? So you wash it again? What? You haven’t? Then what are you doing here?
Did I mention I’m a coffee freak? Well I am. I just love me some coffee. I’ll even drink the bad stuff. I’m sitting here right now drinking a cup of half caf with hot chocolate mix in it because we ran out of creamer. I know coffee snobs will shudder when they read that but HEY I can drink my damn coffee any way I want to. Salespeople at my last three jobs used to know to bring me chocolate and/or coffee if they wanted to get through the door. Sad but true, I’m a choco-coffee whore.
Well I need to get some work done, I just thought I leave you some lovely words to live by…..uh….well, hell…I forgot what I was going to say.

Can I get a Do Over?

2005-08-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

I often wonder why it takes me 2 weeks to write on my blog. It isn’t as if I’m sitting around thinking up something intelligent or even profound to say or complain about. I could talk about how I boldly told everyone how friggin fat I was, promised to post my weight weekly, then weighed myself two days later and had lost 2 pounds. (214) Before you get all high five on me (sorry Pauly I know high five’s are so last week) and want to congratulate me…let me continue…I was so happy I was gonna sit right down and blog about it. Something like life or school starting or some such shit interrupted me and then when I reweigh myself I’d gained 1.5 pounds. Oh no, not bringing me up to 215.5 no it was 2.5 MORE than the fucking 216 I started at!!! Holy shit. So yeah the weigh in for last week is 217.5. I haven’t dared go near that scale since. Yeah so I could go on and on about that ….or I could talk about how I pulled my "everyone is so funny and smart and replies so well and I can’t even post a comment anywhere because I think I’m a total gork" head out of my butt to finally comment on a blog that has lots of followers and…well…I went ahead and commented. Yeah go ahead…scream YOU GO GIRL! (now we’re both out dated). So I quickly wrote one of my mind numbing comments that flow out of my fingers without passing my brain…and I hit submit. You ever wanna scream DO OVER at the computer? My problem (among many) is this; I type like I talk. Bad grammar, cussing like a sailor and run on sentences from hell. Plus I just spew. Words come flowing out that didn’t even have a thought process to them. You know how I use those stupid ……….dots……well that is what I do when I can’t quite think of the word I want to say/write. It is stuck somewhere between head and fingers. Then Ka-chunk, something gives way and those fingers start to typing again without any forethought. I hardly ever proofread because I’ll go back and erase everything. Hence the typos and punctuation that probably screws with every anal human’s head. See…it happened just now…I was going to tell you something and I went off on a tear about something else. Well…. kinda….okay now I remember where I was going. Anyhow, I hit submit on the comment thing. Oh was reading along, as it was about to send and realized I didn’t want to send it anymore. I must have hit cancel 20 times. I wanted out. I couldn’t believe I just sent that friggin comment. It’s like going on a date then coming home and calling the guy or girl and leave a message about what a good time you had and yadda yadda yadda. Then you hang up and wish you hadn’t done that. Now you look needy, stupid, or whatever emotion you didn't want to look like. Worse yet you may have had a bubble in your throat while talking or snorted or done something unimaginable. This is when you wanna scream DO OVER!!!! I WANT A FUCKING DO OVER PLEASE!!!!! Okay, so that’s how I’m feeling. What the hell was I thinking? I only leave comments on certain friend’s blogs and I only do that like once a month or so. It takes me that long to get over whatever I said and how stupid it sounded. What makes it worse is that the message has not come through yet. An hour after I sent it, I sit here hoping that I hit that cancel button just in time. Hey that reminds me…I need to go take my meds!

MOO!

2005-07-23T06:22:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those unfortunate moments where you see an image on a screen that is so horrifying that you have to look away? Yeah well, it happened to me and it has stuck with me. The image you ask? Well…Prepare yourself. It was..uh…it was my backside. No not just a glimpse in the mirror it was a full-fledged moving picture of my entire back. I was getting some candy at work and was looking at the little TV screens that show all the camera views around the place and there it was! Me, getting candy. Strange how you never really see a full view of your back. I had no idea how WIDE MY FUCKING ASS IS! Sheesh it didn’t help that while viewing this picture of my big self, I was snarking down sugar coated orange slices.
So it has come to this. Since I changed jobs in January, and I was no thin chickie back then, I’ve gone from being a large woman to a VERY large woman with blubber butt syndrome. Yeah Yeah, I know all you chubby chasers out there are thinking "woohoo more ounce to pounce". Well, while I appreciate the fact that there are men and women out there that find it quite appealing, I for one don’t care for it on my ass.
At least at my old job I was slinging 50 lb. bags over my shoulders, hauling 200 and 300 pounds of things to awaiting trucks, chasing loose animals and a few other things that at least kept the lard in check. Not I sit on my chair at work and just let the muscles turn into rubbery bits of bounce. Don’t get me wrong, I love my new job. Less stress and all that but hey!!! I’ve gained almost 15 pounds in 7 months. This has to stop.
I don’t have the funds to buy a new wardrobe and I really shouldn’t have to. I tried on some larger size clothing that a friend gave me and UGH! Is it completely necessary to make big girl clothing so friggin ….well I can’t find a word that describes how it makes me feel. The fact is a lot of the clothes make you feel FAT! Yeah, I know I AM fat but I don’t need clothing at makes me feel and look bigger.
What is the solution? Hell if I know. We all know that I don’t "do" diets. I like exercise but when am I suppose to do that? Oh yeah in between work, trying to clean the house and spending what quality time I have with my daughter. Here is what I’m going to try to do.
Start posting my weight once a week right here for all the world to see. Trust me, I won’t lie about it.
Try to eat a little earlier in the evening. Ya think having a full meal at 9 at night might be an issue? DUH!
Encourage the cook (dear husband ) to make a bit lighter fare. Hey it doesn’t all need to be fried and have gravy.
Start exercising with my daughter. She wants a skateboard for her birthday. I can’t afford one but I’m hoping one of her Aunt’s or Uncle’s can handle it. She also wants in line skates. So if I can find some in-line skates in my big ass size 10.5 foot in the clearance bin I’ll start skating with her. I think it would do us both some good. I could come home from work, strap on the skates with my girl and take off! In the meantime, I’m going to just take long walks with the dog and have H ride her bike.
I know there are a million ways to lose weight fast, but I don’t do it that way. I have to make small changes that fit in with my life. So here I go. The first weigh-in…shield your eyes from the glare
216 lbs.! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! I’m a cow.
Okey dokey folks. When you can get your jaw back from the floor…...start sending those fat melting thoughts my way.

Get giddy with it

2005-07-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

Inner child. What do those words make you think of? Actually, I feel like it is just one more word for the TV shows like Oprah and Dr. Phil to latch on to. Not that I have anything against Oprah or Dr. Phil, I need them both to help me out but that’s a whole nother long rant. About this inner child thing. One day at the store an older woman was quite rude to my 7-year-old daughter. I can’t remember what she said or any of the specifics but she was quite the Grumpy Gus. On the way home my daughter says, "That woman has lost her inner child. She needs to find it!" After I quit laughing, I realized she was right. If "inner child" is what you want to call it. The lady clearly needed to find something to make her life a little brighter. We have so much stuff going on in our lives as adults. Marriage, divorce, looking for a spouse, money problems, work issues, aging parents. For me I never seem to get that giddy child like feeling about much any more. Then again my I was a pretty wigged out kid and I’m not sure that I want to pull my "inner child" out of it’s closet. I’m sure you are saying…"Where the hell are you going with this?" Well, I’ll tell ya. There is something that brings out that happy go lucky not a care in the world feeling in me. What is it? Fireworks! Yep, that’s right, set my fat butt down in a chair or better yet lie it down on a blanket, set off a fireworks display and I go into a real happy place. I get downright giddy. I squeal with delight, ooh and ahh like all the little kids around me. This last 4th of July I was so in touch with my "inner child" that my daughter asked me to calm down. Party Pooper. I don’t know what it is about fireworks that make me so happy. I forget any problems I may have. For that short bit of time I am truly filled with unadulterated joy.
I think that is as close to my "inner child" as I will get. Or as close as I want to get. So what makes your "inner child" come sneaking out? Is there something that just takes you away from your everyday hell (ooops I’m projecting again)? Anyhow…wanna share? C’mon….your inner child would do it……

There is always hope...

2005-07-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

First let me thank everyone for the good thoughts and prayers sent Tom’s way. He seems to be doing better. We’ll see how he continues. He has a long road ahead in the hospital.
We had to put our dear cat, Wreckx, down this week. Poor thing had Inflammatory Bowel Disease for the last 5 years. He was a miracle cat indeed. Every time the vet thought it was the end for sure, he would live and thrive. He has been holding his own for the last two years even after we took him off the meds. Last week he took a quick turn for the worse and went down so fast it made my head spin. After having a long talk with him, yes I talk to my beasts, no they don’t talk back …after talking to Wreckx I promised him no more heroic measures. He was a very dignified cat…thought he was king of our house. Treatments always pissed him off and you could tell it made him feel less of a man. He had made it to 15 years old against all medical odds. So I took him in to end his suffering. This was the first time I have ever been able to stay with a pet being euthanized. I think the other times I may have felt guilty or something. Lord knows I’ve never made the decision without a lot of heartbreak. This time I did not feel guilty. I knew it was really something necessary unless I wanted him to lie there and dwindle painfully. I owed him more than that. So I stayed with him. It was painful for me but not for him, which I think helped. So we have bid good-bye to our big bad boy Wreckx. I know quite a few of you have known about our struggles with his health and finances. Yeah those two go together when you have a sick pet and want the best for him but your finances don’t always allow it. We were very fortunate to have been able to do the best at those times and were able to have him laid to rest (actually had his ashes scattered) with our other furry beasts at Little Friends. So thank you all for the support you have always sent our way.
The silver lining? A happy moment? Well guess what. There is a happy point in that day but it doesn’t involve Wreckx.
As I was driving home, I was stuck in traffic. This time I could see the hold up. There was a car stopped in the left lane of the freeway. Just sitting there. I saw a truck pulled over on the side so I figure there had been a fender bender or something. Then I saw a young man get out of the truck and run over to this car in the freeway. I started getting pissed because I thought …HEY have your friggin conversation elsewhere. Then I saw him push the car over to the emergency shoulder. He got back in the truck and drove off. As I pulled past the car on the shoulder I saw an elderly African America man with a handicapped tag hanging from his mirror. He was on the cell phone, I hope calling for assistance. Anyhow here is what gave me hope in this world. The boys that pulled over to help were teenage white boys. They were driving the kind of truck that I usually see blowing down the freeway flipping people off and not giving a shit about anyone but themselves. The kind of kid I wanna just thump on the head. Here these boys pulled over and helped this man. It was something I would have NEVER imagined. It gave me a new hope. Just because most of the young, white, well off boys on my block are self centered kids that think everyone should bow down to their greatness, I shouldn’t assume that they all are. It really helped me see a new light. I needed a new light actually. My light was dimming and thanks to two young boys, I got my light back. Never thought I’d say that!

The pity party gets cancelled

2005-06-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have a day, a week or more where you feel like everything is going wrong? Even with proper medication, I have them. Oh let’s take…uh….last week for example. Okay let’s not.
Instead of me ranting about how my child needed or wanted constant attention or how my husband was in a foul mood… one of those moods so foul you are inches from walking out the door or even have vision of throwing the car keys and a credit card at him and telling him to go to a friggin hotel until he can pull his head out of his butt…..oh wait. I’m ranting. My point here (oh hush, I hear you laughing)….. My point here is my week sucked!
So there I was Friday, lamenting about how shitty things are and how fed up and tired I was of yadda yadda this and yadda yadda that, friends who aren’t really friends, folks that don’t call, attitudinal husbands and how I don’t have anyone to talk to……when I realized I was being a crappy friend and forgetting someone’s birthday. Seeing as how I couldn’t very well bitch about people not thinking of me, if I didn’t think of them, I quickly called him to wish him a happy day.
While talking to him, the back of my mind was still thinking about how pitiful things were for me and how I missed really having friends and how…then BLAMMO!! He tells me that someone close to him and someone I sincerely like (which says a lot), is in the hospital and may not make it! POP! That was the sound of me pulling my head out of my ass and canceling my pity party. All my stuff seemed so small all of the sudden. I mean, here is a guy fighting for his life after a sudden freak accident. He’s a cowboy and fell of a horse while breaking it. Broken ribs, collapsed lung, internal bleeding clots being thrown….he’s in critical condition. His family and friends wait…..
So where do I get off?
What’s my point?
If you think things are bad….just be glad it’s not real fucking bad !
If you believe in prayer or even if you don’t could you add my friend Tom and his loved ones to your list of people to send good thoughts to?
Today my ranting about my little world and my little problems seems trite………….there is always tomorrow though.

Can I get a witness?

2005-05-07T06:55:00.000-07:00

Today is Saturday. I guess I should be all excited that it is the weekend and look at all the possibilities that lie before me. But I don’t wanna. I just want to hang out and be a sloth. Two things keep me from doing that today…the most important one is I’M OUT OF FRIGGIN COFFEE!!!! What the hell is that about? My husband went to the store yesterday and forgot to get coffee. I say this is grounds for a beating but…well…..I can’t do that (can I?). I love my coffee. I want my coffee… I NEED MY COFFEE! So, I’ll have to get my lazy but up, take a shower and wander over to the store. Those of you that are coffee heads like me are probably saying screw the shower and get over there pronto. Well…my second reason for not being able to be a sloth today is that I have to actually go out in public today. UGH! I hate that on a weekend. My daughter is going to a birthday party and I have to stay at this one. Worse yet it will be outside and it’s hot in these here parts. So, I have to get at least the bottom part of my legs summer ready. Oh come on you’ve done that haven’t you? Only shaved the parts that are going to show? Don’t tell me I’m the only lazy one in the world. I started trying to get my legs summer ready about 2 weeks ago but…well…once again I slothed out. Got through the first phase of shaving both legs. I was going to go back and do a closer shave in two days. Well that didn’t happen. My legs are a mess. I don’t even want to discuss it any more. Sheesh why am I the missing link. It isn’t fair that my leg hair grows quicker and thicker than my husbands. Waxing sounds so painful and we all know I’m a big ass wimp when it comes to pain. Okay that’s it no more talk of hairy monkey legs. I’m sure you have a very pretty picture by now anyway. So, I have to go to a party AND I have to get coffee. Man I just want to send out for a Starbuck’s and lie on the couch all day.
The silver lining? (I’m all about trying to find the silver lining these days) Let’s see…After buying coffee I’ll not have to buy again for a month. While at the store I an go ahead and buy more stuff to make smoothies with and maybe after the party we can hang out by the pool (still WAY to cold for me but my daughter loves swimming in it) and drink smoothies.
Oh and I can’t leave without mentioning my happy moment for the week. I have been Freecycling. If you don’t know what Freecycle is just go to
Freecycle .
Anyhow, I’ve been able to get rid of a few things and in the meantime I picked up a bag of clothes from a lady and some of them fit!! I can’t tell you how excited I was. I need new pants and shirts like nobody’s business. Two of the pairs of pants I can actually wear to work and three of the shirts. I’m beside myself. Doesn’t take much to excite me huh.
I’m going to go take a shower now because I’m starting to get that I haven’t had any coffee syndrome and in a few more minutes it’s gonna get ugly.

A note to birthmothers and birthfathers everywhere

2005-02-27T06:30:00.000-08:00

**I want to state that when writing this I was referring to adult adoptees. I have come back and added this because I didn't want to get flamed or get hate mail from people regarding birth families coming after their young children and fighting adoptive families for rights. This entry is ONLY referring to searches for people 18 and over.**

My husband and I are both adopted. Neither of us have found our birthparents though we have searched. I’m sure if we dedicated more time to it we might find out something. But this entry is not about our search. This is actually something I’ve always wanted to say to birthparents.
To any birth family member…you have the right to search. For some reason women go to their death beds never being able to tell anyone about having put a child up for adoption. They suffer alone and in silence. They have been told they don’t have the right to search. Leave well enough alone. Let me tell you from an adoptees point of view. We WANT you to search for us. Okay not all adoptees want this but a whole lot of them. We want to know about you. We want to see a picture of you. We want you to know we forgive you. Not that you need to be forgiven but so many birthmothers and fathers I have heard from , say they are so ashamed of the situation and they hope their birthchild could forgive them. Well, I forgive you. Not that that would make any difference in your life. Look, things happen in life. No matter what your situation was or is you can always be freed from it with the truth. We all exist. Help us find you.
When my husband and I had our child we both sat in awe. This was the first time either of us had seen anyone that looked like us. It was an amazing thing to behold and I’m sure people think it strange when we focus on this like the dimples in a knee or the odd shaped eyebrow that link a child to their family. You see, we have NEVER seen any resemblance to anyone. For me, I’d really love to see a picture of anyone in my birthfamily. Somebody needs to fess up to why I’ve got this weird nose, big shoulders and linebacker thighs attached to some serious birthing hips. Also, where did my strange sense of humor come from? Did someone in my family have a chatty streak a mile long? And what about these big honkin feet? Oh well you get the picture. Anyhow these are the simple questions that can be answered by either a meeting with a birth parent or family member.
The truth is, as we get older we have less and less of a chance to find these people. I’ve known birthparents who find out their child died in their 20’s. Adoptees who wish they had started their search earlier because their birthparent’s are now deceased.
My whole point here is to tell the birthmothers and birthfathers and families of these people that you can search. You have the right to search. Do not be ashamed. We(adoptees) are out here looking and searching for any bit of info. We can grasp. There are so many places on the internet to search. There are State registries that you can sign up with in the state where the adoption was finalized. There are wonderful "angels" in search groups that can and often do in depth searching for free.
A lot of the information that birthmothers and adoptive families are given at the time of adoption just isn’t correct. My adoptive sister’s birthmother was told that our adoptive parents lived in Dallas and were Baptist. So when my sisters birthmother started her search she was looking in all the wrong places. They only found each other through the state registry. So don’t think that we have the information we need.
The agency I was adopted through burned all records before turning them over to the state. The only thing the state has on me is a birthmother’s name. I have no idea what that name is and have not decided if I want to petition the courts to get my adoption records opened. Where I live, you petition the court and they will only let a mediator look at the records. Then that mediator will try to make contact with your birthfamily to see if they want to meet. YIKES! I don’t want some stranger making the first contact. What if she has no tact. What if she catches them at a bad time. So, there in lies the conundrum that being an adoptee is all about. If more birth parents would register…we’d be able to find each other more easily.
Whew that was a long-winded rant.
In summary…..Please register somewhere. If you are the mother or family member of someone that gave a child up for adoption…you also can register. If you know someone who has placed a child for adoption, support them if they want to search. There should be no shame in this process. I don’t think any of us want to hurt any one. We don’t want to disrupt lives. We just want to know a little more about ourselves.

What the Hell were you thinking?

2005-02-04T20:59:00.000-08:00

I have a long list of rants that could fall under this heading but today it’s all about traffic and people who drive. So I’m jumping right in. HEY YOU! Yeah you. When you park your car right in front of the grocery store crosswalk and turn on your hazard lights and get yourself and your two kids out to run in for whatever the hell it is that is so important…What the hell are you thinking? I can’t see past your car so if someone else and their child happen to walk out in front of your vehicle then I won’t see them until it’s too late? Was whatever you had to grab inside SOOOOOO important that it could cost someone else his or her life? Then, when you come waltzing back out…what gives YOU the right to give me a look like I did something to you. Holy Shit Lady…I just wanted to get out of the car and bitch slap you. You are not better than anyone else is. I don’t care if you did need to just "running" to get something. It’s called a parking lot..Look into it.
AND YOU! When you read this you will know who you are. When you are cruising down the freeway and are coming up on a well-known traffic area. A place you probably cruise every day. And you see a long line of cars waiting to curve off to the left…what makes you think it is OK to pass 75 cars and then stop and try to inch your way in at the front of the line. What makes you think that if you don’t inch and you decide to haul ass up and dive-bomb into a 3 foot space that it is OK? Do you want to know why we are all waiting to turn? It’s because of ass bites like you. You screw up the movement of traffic. You dart in and I have to put on my brakes, which works in a domino effect all the way down the line. So those of use who choose to do the right and courteous thing are sitting back here on our thumbs while you choose to zoom ahead of everyone else and cut in line. Yeah I said cut. Just like in Elementary school and you used to cut in the lunch line. What a turd. We all have somewhere to be. Why is yours more important? Why is it OK for you to act like an ass?
One of these days you are gonna get VEXED and I'm gonna giggle.

Greetings from Planet 9

2005-01-01T07:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I haven’t written in forever and a day. Do you care? Have you spent days questioning what happened to ye ol Rantingmama? I’m guessing no. But, if you have, let me say in all sincerity, "Oh how sweet you are."
With that out of the way, let’s play catch up.
First, Christmas and Hanukkah ROCKED! We had such fun. We saw friends and family and we played games. Best of all….. IT SNOWED Christmas Eve. Did it matter that I’d been sick as a dog for 2 weeks? NO! Did it matter that I had to work right up until 1 P.M. Christmas Eve? NO! Did it matter that I was running around town trying to find gifts at the last minute only to find every store was closed? NO! It was snowing and it was FUN! My daughter and I stood out in parking lots of closed stores catching flakes on our tongues. The magic stayed with us as we went to the only store open, the grocery store, and found everything we needed. We went home, had snowball fights and built a tiny snowman. At 10:30 P.M. Christmas Eve we were still out playing in it. Not one prezzie was wrapped, we had no heat in our house and by golly, we were happy.
My daughter thinks some child wished for a white Christmas and they got their wish early. If you know that person please thank them for us. Oh the joy of seeing the face of a 7 year old girl who has never seen snow. That was my present.
So how have your holidays been?

Tis the season

2004-11-27T20:21:00.000-08:00

‘Tis the season. Season for what? The season for all of my anxieties to come to the forefront of my world. They are all sitting there screaming ”HEY YOU! IT’S TIME TO FREAK OUT!”
Oh I try like hell to ignore the little buggers. There is the “not a chance in hell you can get all your shopping done in time” anxiety. Okay so that one might be right. I haven’t even started a list of prezzies to buy or cards to send. Then there is the “what are you gonna buy?” anxiety. Okay that one is right too. I never know what to get people. Actually for some folks I know what they would like but just can’t swing sending people on vacations or lining up massages and makeovers for all the people I know that so dearly deserve them. I’ll be making gifts for some people this year. Ohh won’t they be overjoyed.
Then the biggest anxiety is the “HOLY CRAP I’m supposed to be having Christmas at MY house this year!”. Hmmm this anxiety is valid as well...My house is a pit. Not unlike that woman’s house they showed on Oprah. I’m trying like hell to get it cleaned up before Christmas is breathing down my neck. Oh wait…that’s what I’ve been feeling on my neck and here I thought my husband was feeling frisky.
So.... let’s summarize. The house is a pit, I have no time to clean, shop, send cards……Oh dear….I feel a big ass Bah-Humbug coming on.

When the web gives you a gift...

2004-10-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

Little delightful things happen when you are searching the net. About a month ago, maybe longer since I have time lapses in my world, I happened upon a blog that made my day. I couldn’t stop reading it. It is kinda pathetic how I happened upon it. I was searching for a philanthropist/benefactor/richassperson to beg for funds from. The word Benefactor brought me to the blog of Mark Cuban, the guy who is "the benefactor" on The Benefactor show. So, I read a little and then read some more because he has some really interesting things to say about making money. I figure it can’t hurt to read it. HEY I might learn something. After about 25 minutes upon reading I find an entry titled "My friend’s Blog". I read it, click on it, and lo and behold I LOVE THIS GUY! After reading his blog, I’m sure you’ll understand why. Don’t cheat yourself by just reading the first page or few entries. Go back and read the archives too.
I must say I have not read his book but if I find it somewhere on the cheap I’ll snatch it right up.
You wanna go there now ya say?
click here

I’m going to add it to my favorites blogs list.
So, have you ever happened upon a site while you were searching for something else? A site or blog that you now go to all the time or at least as often as you can? Wanna share?

Can you believe it? Good News!

2004-10-26T09:02:00.000-07:00

Hello Fans and Friends!
My world is a much better place today. No, I didn’t double up on my meds. We got our loan we were trying to get! YIPPEEE! Now our back taxes are paid and we have a little money to fix a few things around here. (I hope)
I tell ya, when the shit hits the fan like it did this time, you hope that something good comes out of it. Well it did! My husband woke up out of his make-it-all-go-away funk and came out swinging. He started contacting old friends about jobs and in the process reconnected with a cousin. This is great news because he really doesn’t have any family that we speak to on a regular basis. He is a new man. A job is forthcoming and in the meantime he has been painting the inside of the house, fixing old leaks and even learning about budgeting. I will be in charge of money. (Of course. Since I’m not a control freak or anything.) We’re getting a new hard drive for this computer the neighbor gave us and baby I’ve got budget control fever. All of our payments to everything will be made on time. I’ve even made up a list of how much money we HAVE to bring in each week to make sure all bills are paid. We already set aside money for our next tax bill so that is handled. Plus we’re having someone go and dispute the taxes so we can have them lowered. Things are looking up around here. Attitudes are good with the exception of a small child who will remain nameless. She has a knack for acting just like her Mommy and getting a tad bitchy.
Well I won’t go on and on (WHAT????Oh shut up.). I want to say a BIG THANK YOU to all of you who have supported me by reading, writing and sending sweet things to me.
I would have never made it through without you!
You guys ROCK!

The Wal-Mart rant

2004-10-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

The Wal-Mart rant has begun.
I need to preface this by saying I’M A WIMP! I wanted to boycott Wal-Mart because of their unequal treatment of female employees. But the first time I needed a sleeping bag, tampons and a birthday card and I wanted to do it all at one place, I succumbed and threw my activist self to the curb. I am pathetic.
Now that we are clear on that, let me start my rant.
My Wal-Mart is a mess! One day you walk in and toys are on aisle 12 and pool supplies are on aisle 30. Two days later you run in for a quick birthday toy and aisle 12 is now school supplies. So where are the toys? Hmm…..Oh Gee let’s go ask someone who works here. Now where the hell would you find one of those? I’m sure there is an employee somewhere close by. There are baskets full of stuff shoved into half-empty aisles all over the store. To me this would be a sign that someone is working in that area. Jokes on me. It means nothing more than WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get). So by accident I happen upon an aisle where toys are half on a shelf and half in a basket. There are NO prices. No problem that’s what those little price scanners are for. I’ll just tote my lot over to the scanner and…Oh crap they moved the scanner. I remember seeing one over in housewares. Off we go…. It’s broken. No luck finding another scanner. You’d think as I traveled the store, I would happen upon an employee. I usually find an employee by listening for the loudest group in the store. There I will find a two or three people wearing a “How can I help you?” vest chatting about what they did the night before. I’m glad “How can I help you?” is written on their backs because I have NEVER heard those words come out of their mouths. The next trick is actually getting one of them to assist you. You have to be rude enough to interrupt their ever so important conversation, and then you have to be able to duck the dagger eyes they throw at you for even bothering to ask them something. Even more important is finding someone who doesn’t seem to be on break. Oh dear, I’ve forgotten where I was going with that part of my rant, other than the “How can I help you? “ vest is merely a figment of your imagination. I think we are missing the small print that says, "DON’T ask me “How can I help you?” Case and point. On one lovely visit to my local Wal-Mart, I was checking out when the receipt machine ran out of paper. I was writing a check so the checker needed me to be able to sign something. She called for a CSM. I think in every other place CSM stands for Customer Service Manager. At Wal-Mart I think it stands for something else. Not really sure what at the moment but the words Crappy and Moron come to mind. Okay, we wait 5 minutes and no CSM shows up. Another worker goes in search of said CSM. He comes back and reports that she is coming. 10 minutes later still no CSM. I’ve parked myself on the floor with an impatient child. The call goes out again for a CSM. Another 10 minutes go by and another worker goes in search. Now there are two customers waiting for the CSM. After 28 minutes (you betcha I was timing it) a young woman shows up in a red vest. (Ooh that power color red)
I’m standing there at the register and I say, “I’m so glad you are here. We have been waiting 25 minutes.” You know what she says to me? This little you-know-what doesn’t even look up at me…she just says in a snotty voice, “Yeah, I know.” Welly well she just pissed off the wrong person. In front of the customers and everyone else, I started a rant, “Excuse ME???? Did you just say, “I know?” Maybe you didn’t understand me! We have been waiting 25 minutes for you to show up. The proper answer would be, I’m so sorry Ma’am for the wait. I don’t care what was making you not come to the register to help. I don’t want a cheap excuse. I want a friggin apology!” She doesn’t even look up. I can see she is a bit surprised by my outrage. She doesn’t say one more word to me. I was fuming! I fumed even more when she told the cashier that the machine would not print another receipt and to just keep my check and let me leave. HOLY CRAP! Couldn’t she have just told her that over the phone? AAAAARRRRGGGHHH! So my opinion of customer service and Wal-Mart is…well…there isn’t any customer service.
And why can’t anything be in order at my Wal-Mart? I don’t understand how it can vary so greatly from one store to another. Imagine my surprise when I visited another Wal-Mart and found my size clothing on the rack where my size was supposed to be! There is no such thing at my Wal-Mart. There are racks upon racks of mixed up clothes with no size groupings. Now I’ll tell you there are one or two racks of new stuff that are grouped together but never in sizes. Why should I have to drive to the ends of the earth to find a store that has it together? Where is the management in my Wal-Mart? Why don’t they let me mystery shop there? Oh…I know why they don’t want me to do that…. they don’t really want to hear me rant. That “How Can I Help You?” vest isn’t a statement. It’s there to test you. Do you have the nerve to shop here? Do you REALLY need what you came here for? Why don’t you just go home and come back when the shift changes. Oh wait…..they’ll be on break.

Perilously close to the edge

2004-10-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

You want to know what drives people over the edge? Well, I’ll tell ya.
For the last two weeks I’ve been living in limbo. We were served with papers saying we were being sued for back property taxes. Okay, call the folks who sent the letter, found out how much they want and what it would take to get it handled. Realizing we don’t have anything to pay them right this moment and if we don’t they want to try to foreclose so they can own the home I don’t even have payments on anymore……I apply for a home equity loan. All should be going OK at this point. Get loan, pay taxes and pay loan back.
WRONGO!
Here is how it REALLY goes.
Apply for loan. Have one bank tell me we don’t qualify. Have the same bank tell me we DO qualify. I get an approval from the bank. All I have to do is send paperwork on my homeowner’s insurance. My policy is coming due in two days. Fine…I talk to the Agent (insurance) he says they have to re-inspect my home since I’m doing this loan thing. Oh and we may not pass your roof since it’s about 20 years old. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
JUST PASS THE DAMN THING and let me get my loan. Oops now they want half the policy down because I was late a few times on payments this year. GEE think I have that kind of money? Borrow money from friend at work, knowing that the loan will be going through soon and I can pay him back.
Put his check in bank, pay insurance guy who still have to speak to mortgage company. Time’s a wasting folks. The city only gave me twenty days to pay or show up in court. Finally get a call from the closing agent on my loan. THEY CAN’T CLOSE THE LOAN BECAUSE I OWE TAXES ON MY PROPERTY! Well NO SHIT!
I’m now waiting for my friend the attorney to call me and tell me everything will be fine and we will find a way to settle with the city and they will tell the bank and I can get my loan.
In the meantime…R has found a job but he isn’t starting until we get this whole mess taken care of. IF and I mean IF we get the loan, we may be able to buy a car that is in really good condition for $3,000. It even has air and heat WOOHOO. That’s more than I can say for my house right now.
So here I sit waiting for someone to call me and tell me what hoop I have to jump through next to get this whole mess settled. I’m torn three ways to Sunday. Send some calming thoughts my way.
Or, you can just send folks you know over to the
Donate A Buck site and see how much we can get over the weekend? One dollar a head…hmmmm how many folks do you know that don’t know me and would be willing to send me a buck? How many people do I know that could send it out to people I DON’T know…this little project could get interesting.
Talk to you guys soon!

This just in...

2004-10-07T13:16:00.000-07:00

UPDATE!(update to the update...thanks Libby for the tip. I think the link is fixed now)
I need ya'll to look over the Rantingmama Project site. Check buttons to see if they work. I know I have a few typos and stuff. Plus everything on it is very preliminary. Since I just threw the first bit together yesterday, I didn't want to go any further without checking things first. NO,I DON'T WANT YOU TO DONATE! Just check the site.
Rantingmama Project
I have so much more to do on it. I haven't added anything other than some text. Please look it over and e-mail me comments and criticisms.
THANKS!

My visit to the Fun House

2004-09-22T11:01:00.000-07:00

Yeah I know I promised a Wal-Mart rant but it hasn’t happened yet. I’ll get to it at some point.
In about an hour I’m off to my every 8 weeks adventure. Some of you know that I am being treated for depression. Those of you that didn’t know…well, you know now. Big dang deal ya say half the folks you know are on anti-depressants. Me too. The fact that I’m on meds isn’t a big deal at all. I’m one of the lucky people that found the right medication the first time and I haven’t had to change the dosage in two years.
Now the adventure part is that every 8 weeks I get to go to the County Mental Health Clinic and have an update on how I’m doing. Since I am poor, I qualify for free treatment. I thank G-d that I have this available to me. I hope others who are fighting depression can find the resources to get treated. I’ll talk about resources on another day. Today I’d like to introduce you to the wonderful world of mental illness po’ folk’s style. Don’t be offended folks. I have to make light of the situation or else I would truly be more depressed. The visit at the clinic starts with standing in line behind umpteen other folks who were given an appointment at the same time yours is. Most of the people are in various states of disarray. Some look as if they have just come off the streets and some smell like they have been living on them. There is a plethora of scents to be had at the county clinic. I highly recommend taking a few Ibuprofen before you start out.
If the smell of unclean bodies or urine soaked clothing doesn’t get you, the overwhelming smell of bad perfume will surely break you out in hives. Once an uncaring associate behind the glass takes your name and tells you to “sit down and wait until they call your name” the fun is on. It is time for serious people watching. This is a very humbling experience for me. I see over and over again how fortunate I am to not be severely effected by mental illness. You will find people rocking back and forth in chairs, talking to themselves…splayed out on the floor or benches outside. It reminds me of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest as people walk up to you asking time after time for a cigarette. It doesn’t matter how many times you tell them you don’t have one, they keep coming back. There is a lovely gentleman who sits outside and plays his harmonica. I often plant myself beside him to pass the time. All the regulars know him and ask him for a smoke. Since I am usually the only white woman there, I get asked for money as well as cigarettes. I usually laugh and remind them I am there for the same reasons they are. “I’m broke and sick just like you”. Strange but even the sickest of minds usually understands that. On several occasions there have been outbursts and near fights in the lobby. I had a man scream at me one time. He started off nice enough but as he kept talking to me he became paranoid and said I was staring at him. He called me every name in the book and I just kept smiling at him as security finally came and had a chat with him. He came back a few more times but I didn’t look up at him. Two other people made the mistake of making eye contact with him and he went on a tirade “Why you staring at me bitch? You better quit messing with me.” As he parted he said, ”You people need to take your medication.” I found that terribly funny. I often laugh to myself when things are so outrageous. It makes me look more like one of the “group”. Funky lookin white woman sitting there laughing to herself. When there are children present I have a much more relaxed time. I love how they hardly notice what is going on around them. The sad thing is a person who can barely function usually accompany them. It really makes me wonder what kind of life these children must have at home. It’s a sad world out there among the poor and mentally ill but it can be damn funny too. I’ll close by telling you the funniest thing I saw there. A gentleman who was obviously schizophrenic was walking the halls. His eyes darted from left to right looking at unseen enemies. I noticed he stopped in the middle of the room and was looking particularly paranoid. He looked left then right. He walked a few feet then stopped short again and went through the same routine. I then noticed that a name was being called from the speaker above his head. Each time the name was called he would look frantically around as if he was hearing God. Finally a nurse walked up to him, called him by name (yup, his was the name being called on the speaker) and walked off with him. I could hardly contain how funny I found this. Here this poor guy was already thinking people were after him and then someone…somewhere was calling his name. He couldn’t figure out where the sound was coming from so it just fed his paranoia more. Hmmm, I think some of you may find that a little sad and pathetic. I guess it was a “you had to be there” kind of thing. Anyway, I’m off the fun house. See ya when I get back.

My big beef of the day...

2004-09-10T11:28:00.000-07:00

Today I have a beef with my work. I have beefs often but today it has me really peeved. Quick background. I used to set up our special talks and events. At some point, that job was taken over by someone else because I couldn’t juggle being a sales pig along with marketing person, events coordinator and head field trip human. Fine by me, I didn’t need the extra stress.
Today’s big beef is all about an event that is scheduled to take place tomorrow. OK the real big beef is all about me being selfish. No one has taken responsibility in setting this thing up. We have people coming, expecting a slide show AND dinner. I’ve gone the extra mile and made a reservation list (since no one thought to make one) and checked our stock for plates, forks and the other things one would need to serve dinner. I made a list of what we would need. Do you think anyone went out and bought the stuff? HELL NO! When we got a new office person, I was removed from our Sam’s membership to put him on. I gave him the list. He is supposed to be in charge of that stuff. Did he listen to me? HELL NO! Did the woman who booked the event check on anything? You guessed it…NO! So tomorrow, on our busiest day of the week…whoever is working (see me raising my hand) will end up doing last minute clean up/shopping/find the chairs and see if we have tables/pestering the boss who happens to have a severe case of “I can do it…. yet never gets it done” about cooking for the dinner. When the co-owner and I heard about this event, and how it was supposed to go down, wee said it was a bad idea. If they were going to insist on having it then we should have it catered. Every other time our owner/boss has had something to do with preparing the food, she has been at least two hours late with it.
Do I sound aggravated? You bet. I think what also has me pissed about it is I scheduled myself to have a week off which included this glorious event day. Turns out said boss lady has suspended all vacations because the store doesn’t have enough money to pay for vacations right now. So, not only was I not supposed to work that day…now I KNOW I’ll be covering someone else’s incompetence. I never have had much patience with incompetence. Even less now. Did I mention I’m pissed about this whole deal? My wonderful husband (who has real issues with the way I’m treated at work) says to just let the proverbial shit hit the fan. It’s not my problem, let those who planned it suffer. If I weren’t so sure it would all fall back on me and hit me in the face I would do it.
Well there you have it, my major bitchfest for the day. Now I’ll go back and work on that rant about Wal-Mart……oh you don’t even want me to go there……

Today's delimma

2004-09-05T07:03:00.000-07:00

My daughter has been invited to a slumber party. She’s 7 years old. For some reason I feel this is just a little young for a sleepover. I’m sure I’m just projecting all my stuff on this. She already slept over at a child’s house before but that was because of a flood and we couldn’t get her home. She didn’t have a problem then. So I guess that excuse doesn’t hold weight. My biggest thing is this. The girl that invited her is part of a group of girls that my daughter doesn’t really do much with. They don’t play together at recess, they don’t have playdates…in general they just don’t seem to be “friends”. Now ya see, I say that but my daughter would tell you EVERYONE is her friend. I like these girls individually, but as a group I have seen them exclude certain children from their reindeer games.
I worry that H will feel left out once she’s there and that she will realize how different she is from these girls. H already wears her heart on her sleeve and has feelings that she is different and people don’t like her. (Sounds kinda depressive eh?) Have no fear we’ve discussed this with her doc and for my child this is normal.
So, should I let her go? I really need some feedback on this. Am I trying to shelter her from the real world too much? Is this a good chance for her to find out if these girls could really be “friends”?
Should I just pull my head out and quit worrying?
There ya have it…give it to me straight folks. I need to hear it.

Another bunch of unfinished thought processes

2004-09-04T07:53:00.000-07:00

I bet you are saying…. It’s about damn time you wrote something. Note I didn’t say wrote something of entertaining value or something I’d like to read. I just said WROTE SOMETHING!
I’ve been busy lately and just haven’t had time to figure out anything to write. I’ve been thinking about all this cyber begging or e panhandling that I attempted to do when I first started this blog. Friends started sending me money and gift cards. It was a bittersweet thing. I am grateful as I can be for these wonderful donations but yet I didn’t want friends to help me. I want to thank everyone who has helped me. Until I can figure out a way to give something to people in return, I won’t be asking for donations.
This does not mean I won’t be writing in this blog. You won’t be that lucky.
I’ve decided that since the name IS rantingmama I might as well live up to it and do some ranting.
I’ll start this project in the next day or so. Or maybe I’ll find some time today to do it.
I now have the computer my neighbor gave me so I’m going to be booting it up and seeing what that baby can do. PLUS it will help me start selling on eBay. WOOHOO! I have a roomful of stuff that’s been waiting for me to sell it.
I had a vacation planned for next week but my boss “suspended” vacations for a while. Seems we aren’t making enough money to pay for vacations right now. She would have to pay for another employee to take my place so she would be paying two people for one job. So there goes my time to stay home and clean the house without my child home. I find it difficult at best to get anything substantial done when my daughter is home. I want to spend time with her, doing fun stuff instead of having my mind consumed by clean up.
As you can see my mind is in a bunch of different places right now. I hope to start keeping my blog more thought specific in upcoming writings.
Is there anything you’d like to hear me rant about? Just tell me and I might just rant on it.
Once you get me started though it’s hard to get me to stop.
If you have read this far…why not at least leave me a comment that says you were here.

Natterings....

2004-08-24T09:16:00.000-07:00

I hate trying to come up with a title for these things. I'm such a natterer jumping from one thing to the next, who the heck knows what to call it. So there you have it.
I've not written anything for over a week. We've been busy. School started for my wonderful child. It was exciting for us both. She's been bored beyond belief this summer. We couldn't put her into any camps or classes so she was limited to playing at home or going to visit a friend or two. So it's a great thing school started. She is enjoying it and I am too. When she is happy it takes a lot off of my mind.
I've still been looking for another job. I went to Ikea to fill out an application. After walking through the store and seeing the other employees, I wondered if I wouldn't end up smacking someone upside the head. I have no patience for ignorance or slackers. When it comes to customers it's a different thing. I can handle almost any kind of customer but when an employee is a slacker I have a hard time containing myself. I work well with the public but I don't play well with other employees. Don't get me wrong, I've never been fired or anything because of how I work with others but it is a struggle for me to put on a face that says "I like you. Let's work together." I'd rather just say. "FOR GOD'S SAKE can you just get your job done?!" Man that sounded tacky didn't it? Guess that's why I'm not management material. My husband has filled out a few applications as well. I think folks are having a hard time with him being out of the workforce for so long. They need to really get over the fact that he chose to take care of his mother instead of working outside the home. I would think that kind of commitment to family would be a plus. I just hope for his sake he finds something that he enjoys. He deserves to have a job to bring him back into the human race.
On another front, let’s talk Oprah. She has some show ideas on her website that I wish someone would sign me up for. One is "I need a car makeover". It seems to be set up that someone else has to video tape your car and send it in, sort of like a surprise. That's a bummer to me because how many people do you know that would appreciate the fact that you called their car a heap of crap? Well I wouldn't be offended at all. My car has a cracked windshield. (We’re talking a big spiderweb that is growing still) I have no a/c or heat in it, which is hardest on my poor child during school days. She either arrives sopping wet in the summer or shivering in the winter (it doesn't help that the heater in our home is out as well).
The CV joints are almost out. One of these days my wheel is just going to pop off. The car crackles and pops every time you turn the corner. The transmission is almost shot. Half the time you can't get it into first gear and other times it pops out of gear altogether. The driver's side window won't roll up with the assistance of a hand pulling it up. Both passenger side doors won't open from the outside. You have to get in, reach across to open it. Did I mention the constant rattle? It is so lovely. When you go through a drive through the person can't hear what you are ordering. Good thing our budget doesn't allow for fast food anymore. Don't even mention the word "radio". We havn't had music in the car for about 5 years. One day the dash started smoking and ....well.....it stopped when I turned the radio off. Now it doesn't work at all. I really miss music in the car and "H" would prefer it if her mother wouldn't sing 80's disco songs. Oh and if it rains the car doesn't want to start. Okay so I think I should be able to get a car makover
don't you? If that doesn't fly, you can always mention that our "other" car has been sitting in the driveway for 2 years because I can't afford a wrecker to take it to the shop and find out what I can't pay to fix it. Damn I'm full of good cheer, eh?
I have lots more to talk about today but no time to do it in. I want to work on my website that I've trashed three or four times. Whoever said Geocities is "easy" is full of it. So I'm going to give it a go again.
So do you have a web page and how the heck did you set it up? Got your own server? Are you an HTML whiz? Wanna share your info?

Quit Smoking with Rantingmama

2004-08-15T05:56:00.000-07:00

You want to quit smoking eh? Well I know all about smoking and how hard it is to quit. One of the things that always pissed me off about smoking was how much money I spent on it. Here’s a novel little idea that may help us both. First you have to really want to quit. Once you’ve committed to the fact you are quitting
SEND ME YOU CIGARETTE MONEY! I need the money and you need to quit. Each time you feel the urge to smoke just go to Paypal and remember rantingmama@yahoo.com .Go there send me the amount you would have spent on a pack, carton or whatever. After a while it’s bound to get on your nerves to be sending your money to me. I’d like to say I’ll be keeping it safe for you but alas, I’m broke and I’ll be paying some bills with it. But hey, better me pay bills and catch up on my debt than you slowly killing yourself right? Keep remembering rantingmama@yahoo.com wants me to help me quit AND she needs to get her homeowners insurance reinstated since it’s now hurricane season. It’s a win win situation.
Quitting smoking is very serious and yes I'd love you to send me your money but please know the most important thing is to quit. I know how hard it is folks.You can do it!

Two more links that might help you are:
American Lung Association

I found some really good support on these boards.
Quit Smoking Support

Thought I'd better pop in today

2004-08-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

Today I had the day off from work. I get these grandiose ideas that I can get quite a bit accomplished on these days. So I made myself a little list for things I needed to do today. Seemed simple enough.
1. Go to the library to return books and pick up a few more.
2. Run by school to find out H’s new teacher.
3. Go pick up my meds
4. Get cat food and litter
5. Get groceries

I had them in the order I wanted to do them as well. Gee how anal of me considering I’m so NOT into making lists. Off we went to the library. Turns out they didn’t open for another 30 minutes. Okay not a problem, we head over to the school. We get there and lo and behold I had the wrong info and teachers won’t be posted until FRIDAY! Heck I thought it was LAST Friday. Sheesh. Two down and nothing done. Start to go get my meds. I get stuck in a major traffic jam. After sitting about 30 minutes in traffic I’m drenched in sweat, as is H. I’m in no mood to keep up this pace of going nowhere fast. So we blow off the meds. Okay three down and STILL nothing done. After heading back towards home we decide to stop for the cat food and litter. FINALLY a mission accomplished AND I got to use coupons so it didn’t cost me much at all. We also loved on every kitty that was up for adoption. I let all my anxiety and stress leave me, as I loved those babies. So we got something done!! By this time we were hungry so we went home for food.
After a nice little lunch we headed back to the library. I picked up quite a few books on web pages and debt reduction. My child picked out about 20 books. Ya know, I love the library. You can get movies, computer games, books, and magazines all for FREE! If you haven’t visited your local library lately, do it!
By the time we got home it was almost 5 PM. Damn the day was almost over. My daughter wanted to show the kids across the street a video so she went over while I headed off to the store. I wasn’t going for much and they are celebrating their grand opening. Lots of really great deals and a $10.00 off coupon. Oh and a freebie Starbucks coupon. They have a Starbucks in the store but I refuse to indulge because it’s so costly. BUT with a free coupon, I was in hog heaven. I had a Mocha Latte that rocked my world. YUMMY!
I finally got home. I still feel like I didn’t get much done today. I am exhausted. I think it is the heat.
I needed to wash clothes for work tomorrow but I can wrangle something up. The important thing is I have clean underwear.
So I had 2 happy moments today. The first was holding those precious kitties and letting go of all my “stuff”. The second was going to the grocery store, having a free latte and doing it without my child in tow.
Hmmm…how was your day?
Oh and have no fear, I've got enough medication to last me til next week.

You gotta have friends

2004-08-09T06:37:00.000-07:00

Ya ever have one of those moments where you realize you aren’t all that you think you are? Lord knows I am one of those low self-esteem girls and I never thought I was all that, BUT I’m even LESS of all that.
While sharing my blog with some people who really love me a lot and made sure that I knew it, it dawned on me that I really suck at being a friend to other people.
I gotta say it hurts like hell for me to realize this because I used to be a great friend. I was there no matter what. You needed something at 2 a.m. baby I’d be there in an instant. I’d listen for hours on end to friends sharing their thoughts, hopes and sorrows and I enjoyed it! I was REALLY interested in helping. It isn’t that I’m not interested now... it’s that I don’t allow myself to get close enough to anyone. For instance…I have this person I consider a friend. I’d do anything for her if she asked me to. But I hardly know her. I mean, I know her…but I don’t really know much about her as a person. Recently I’ve read about her on her blog and WOW she’s a cool chick. I know she is a great mother and a fantastic wife and a devoted daughter. She has done everything in the world for me. I’ve done nothing for her. I’ve never babysat her kids, listened to her cry about things, found out her inner most secrets, hell I’ve never even had a good old fashioned giggle and snort session with her. What the hell kind of friend am I? I’ve actually never shared much with her either. She knows the surface stuff. I think I’ve cried on her shoulder a couple of times. As some of you know, I’m one of those deep people. No, no, no, not deep intellectually but deep as in deep feelings for my fellow man. I miss having friends call and talk to me for no reason other than to just shoot the shit. I miss ranting on about my life and listening to them rant about theirs. I miss having my life in order enough to say…”Hey bring the kids, come over and let’s just screw off all day.” I just had an “ah-ha” moment. If I’m not comfortable enough to let them into my home then how can I REALLY let them into my life? My house is a pit and actually seeing it reminds me of the chaos I let happen around me. That’s why I’m working on getting this place together. I need to bring people back INTO my life and home.
Okay back to talking about my friend I just went off on a rant there…
I’ve really never asked her any deep things about her life. Makes me feel really bad.
Maybe what’s happening to me is that now that I’m finally coming back out of my shell, I’m realizing what I’ve been missing. I LOVE HAVING FRIENDS! Good close friends that I would do anything for and that can understand how messed up my life can be and still like me.
My on-line friends have been like that to me. I just haven’t given anyone else much of a chance.
I don’t even know how to end this. Sheesh I hate it when I was working on a total thought process and then it just goes away.
Thank you for being a friend…

A Happy Moment

2004-08-07T05:56:00.000-07:00

Today is a beautiful day. I'm outside having my lunch and actually enjoying it! My armpits don't stink, I'm not sticky all over and best of all, my all-up-under isn't sopping wet.
Oh wow, I guess this can be my "happy moment" for the day. Kinda pathetic when your "happy moment" is based on the amount of moisture you undergarments are holding. Then again this is MY life we're talking about.

Some people just make my day

2004-08-06T07:07:00.000-07:00

I just want to say that somebody out there(and you know who you are)has made my day and maybe my life. A wonderful human being made a donation in my account. I can't tell you how much that warmed my heart. I literally cried. Just to let you know what that does for me..I can now pay my water bill which was about to be cut off. Ya know when you have to rob Peter to pay Paul(whoever they are)it can wear you down. I've been playing catch up on all of my bills. I sometimes have part of a payment but not all of it and some of these jerks want ALL of it or nothing. Makes no sense to me. Take what I have and let's just keep moving forward. I must say I do understand they want their money and they do deserve it but HEY I'm trying as hard as I can! It's not like I'm not working my ass off.
I'm not a big spender. Just look at my clothes. Okay don't...it ain't pretty. I have been wearing the same ol crap for three years now. I must say I splurged and bought a new bra at Wal-Mart on clearance for 3 bucks. Shame on me. I needed it though. The other one was being held together with a safety pin and sweat.
Once again I want to publicly thank that tres fab humanoid that sent a donation.
On on of my fav blogs, there is a challenge to write one happy moment from your day. I just wrote about mine.
Do you have a happy moment from today? Wanna share?
Oh....can we keep me anonymous? Just call me "mama".
If you need ideas..you might want to visit Natalieville

I never thought I'd say this.....

2004-08-02T06:01:00.000-07:00

Thank G-d my husband is a pack rat. I can't believe I'm even saying that. Tomorrow I'm sure I'll be back to ranting about it but for today his bad habit worked for me.
I've been on vacation a week and during that time I decided to try to clean up this thing we call a house, the money pit, the shithole...the pig sty. So, I got my large butt to work and started in the kitchen. I've been working on it for days now. Don't think I've been working solid on it for days...I've had a few interruptions. I do have a child ya know and she wants to play with Mommy as much as possible during her stay at home.
Anywho, I'm down to the last bunch of really crusty dishes so I put them in the sink to soak. I piddle, I play, I learn all about Carmen San Diego...then I get a second wind and head back to clean the crust off. I carefully stick my hand through the murky waters, try not to gag and I pull the drain. I get this weird sensation around my feet then...ACK! Water is running all over the floor. I call for the husband. Of course he doesn't come running...when does he? When he finally shows up there is water all over the kitchen floor and I'm stuffing towels (which I JUST WASHED) under the cupboard. It seems a pipe has rusted through and water is pouring out into the cupboard. Okay, not a problem. We'll just run over to Home Depot and write a check (which we hope won't bounce) for a couple of new pipes. As I'm figuring out the checkbook and how much we can or can't spend I do what I do best. Sit down and feel overwhelmed. After about 20 minutes of self-pity I hear "HA! We're back in business". My pack rat has gone to the thing we call a garage (more like a room so full of crap you can't get a car in it) and found some pipes left over from some job he was working on years ago. WOW! I never thought anything in that garage would come in handy much less that he could actually find anything in that mess. So he hooked it up and now the sink is back in business.
I must admit I couldn't bring myself to finish the dishes last night as I was worn out from the big pity party I was having earlier.
The big bummer is (and you know there is always one where I'm concerned)...now I won't be able to bitch at him for at least another month about his stacks of pack rat nesting materials.

It ain't all bad......

2004-07-31T09:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my wonderful daughter's birthday. If you've been following my major rants..you saw I was totally bummed by the fact we couldn't afford a party. Well yesterday was fun anyway. For those of you who are poor like me, I highly recommend making friends with your neighbors. Okay, not all of them cuz I have some pretty funky folks living around me, but try to tolerate at least one of them.
Our neighbors saved the day. They invited us over for dinner and the kids planned a surprise party for my girl. When we showed up at the door, they opened it up screaming "SURPRISE", they all had on party hats and there were balloons and streamers hanging. For an added touch the Beatles "You say it's your birthday...." was playing in the background. It was wonderful. My girl was so surprised. She immediatly hugged everyone. The neighbor's daughter made a fabulous cake. Uh...I won't mention how many pieces I had....okay 3 now shut up about why my pants don't fit.
They bought my daughter all of the supplies she'll need for school and an adorable little purse with her initial on it. What wonderful people they are.
AND they fed us STEAK!!!! I can't tell you how long it's been since I had steak. Oh yeah I can...it was the last time I was at a friend's house for dinner. Thank God for friends and neighbors!
Anyhow after all my worrying over what to do for my child's birthday all turned out well. We got to swim during the day and we did one of her favorite things....washing dishes. I have no idea what is wrong with my child but she likes washing dishes. She sure didn't get that from me. We painted together and went to the grocery store where the super people there gave her cookies and chicken strips. One very special cashier gave her a dollar. My girl was in hog heaven. She said it was the best day ever.
So...being poor sucks...BUT you can always find ways around it to make life work for you. Thank God for children...they remind us it's the littlest things that make life good.

UGH!

2004-07-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

Dontcha just hate it when people only write about negative stuff. Well add me to the list of things awash in negatives. Not only is my bank account in negative so is my attitude today. Tomorrow is my lovely child's birthday and I don't have a thing planned.
We have no money to do anything. That is zip, zilch, nada! I'm really depressed about it but I've been making up excuses for her so she won't know.
Our wonderful neighbors have offered to have us over for dinner and their kids want to make a little surprise for her. They are making her a cake and bought her a few presents, including some school supplies. I'm sure I should be embarassed at the situation but I'm not. I'm willing to tell anyone how broke we are. You never know who can find a way to help or assist us in finding help. Too many poor folks are ashamed to admit their situation. By hiding it, you can't find support ot help. The one thing I won't do is ask family and friends for a loan. The truth is, I wouldn't be able to pay them back. I still owe money to a wonderful friend from last years birthday party. I have paid her about 75% of the money but I feel like such a slug not being able to pay her everything right now.
My child is so great.She really deserves more than we can offer her right now. I know she knows we can't afford much but to look in her face and see the sadness when we discuss not having a party.......well it breaks my heart.
I'm going to try to call a few folks today and see if maybe we can meet at a local park on Sunday. Sure it will be hot as the dickens and I won't be able to feed them anything, but the kids will still enjoy playing there. I know it is last minute and only a few may be able to come but it is still something.
Anyhow there is my lovely vent for the day.
Thanks for reading.

Another Day in Paradise?

2004-07-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

You know what would be nice? Other than winning the lottery.....
It would be nice if I had a clue about posting links on this site. I guess I'll learn or maybe somebody kind would tell me how to do it. Keep in mind I have no concept of HTML and things of that nature. I'm a whiz at cutting and pasting though.
Now on to my daily whine.
Did I mention I'm broke? Oh I'm sure I did, more than a few times.
I would love to just make a list page of all the things I need to pay...or fix...or just handle in general. Alas...I haven't a clue how to do that.
Today's two big deals are my...oh wait make that three....my homeowners insurance, I need $650.00 to get it reinstated, my car insurance, another $190.00, and that stinkin electric bill ($295.00). Oh and today is payday. YIPEE you say..oh yeah right..My check should be about $550.00. You see how this covers those lovely bills? Actually I was doing well until I had to take my daughter to the doctor a few months back. At the time I thought she was still on the state's insurance plan for poor kids. Guess I missed the notice for renewal. DUH! So I had to pay the doc. some of the bill and I still owe them $150.00. They informed me that they won't be seeing her anymore due to non-payment. WHAT? When I can send them the money I will be sending a letter begging them to allow us to still come in once the insurance is back in force. I mean really,
I informed them of our financial situation so they shouldn't have been such weenies about it. I know it is the billing department and not the doctor so I'm not upset with the services. Plus, how do I explain to a 7 year old that because we're too poor to pay the bill right now, her doctor doesn't want to see her anymore. Hopefully they will understand.
Anyhow that is today's lovely situation.
I have two days off so I'll be attempting to clean parts of the house, get minimal groceries and find a way to have a birthday party for my child that won't cost money. We would have it at a park but it is about 102 degrees here.
Anyhow I'm off to try to get some dishes done before my wonderful child wakes up.

Not Sure what I'm doing yet...

2004-07-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

kay, so bear with me. I've never done this before and the last time I tried anything new(can you say Geocities?)I deleted an entire web page full of stuff. Alright, I'm a techno-moron.
Right now, I'm just trying to figure this blog thing out. I'll probably go back and delete this post at some point.Hopefully I won't delete the whole damn blog.
Since this is just a test...I'll start with a game I like to call "Fill the Wallet". I'm one broke puppy. I'll be making a list of all the things I owe money on, then I'll make entries on how well I'm doing catching up on said "bills". Sounds utterly exciting eh?
I figure it this way, some ditzy chick got into deep debt shopping on Rodeo drive and the whole world sent her friggin money to help her get out of debt. What gives? I'm a working Mother, driving an ancient car with no a/c. I rob Peter to pay Paul half the time. Speaking of which there are a few Natalie's and Dr. So and so's that haven't been paid in quite a while. Wish I had the funds to pay them off because they truly deserve to be paid. I usually choose to pay the phone and electric bill first. Then I pray there is enough to buy groceries.
So iffin you are so inclined, have a go at Fill the Wallet.
uh...said empty wallet is at PayPal
the wallets account name is rantingmama@yahoo.com
That is all until I really figure out how to do this thing.